shitshow roundup — august 3, 2017
Well, well, well…here we are talking about sanctions again. Seeing as how the whole point of interfering with the election and skewing it in Trump’s favor was to lift the sanctions on Russia, you can imagine Pooty & the Gang are displeased with their service boy, Donny, today. Donny did, in fact, sign the bill but not before a secret phone call with Daddy Vladdy, probably to apologize for going limp right before penetration. Plus Trump included a statement that basically said “I’m gonna go ahead and do whatever the fuck I want anyway,” so expect him to, I dunno, disband Congress entirely next week. He also scrawled the statement “I won the electoral college BIGLY. YUGE Inauguration!” across the bottom of the bill just for shits and giggles.
The Russian Prime Minister tweeted out (seriously, WTF world leaders? stop doing this shit on Twitter please) that Donald has proven himself to be “impotent” as a President. Score one in the Ruskie column for trolling; you know the choice of that word was deliberate. So now the world holds its breath as two macho shitheads have a face-off over whose penis is more erect. Even old Tilly saying we weren’t gonna actually look into the election hack or spend money to fight Russian hackers couldn’t assuage Pooty’s wrath. Those sanctions are the only thing keeping him from $230 billion. And after all the trouble he went to, toppling our democracy, his puppet couldn’t get it done.
So now we wait for the pee-pee tape to drop. Yes, that’s where we’re at: the future of democracy depends on a video of Russian hookers pissing on a hotel room bed while the President of the United States whacks off. Do you hate us sometimes? I hate us sometimes.
Scary white supremacist and walking dead-eyed corpse, Stephen Miller, announced the administration’s “merit-based immigration,” meaning immigrants must speak English and all women must be at least a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10, according to Trump. I think anyone who’s been following along at home knew we were heading toward the tired old “English as the national language” trope to rile up the mouth-breathers and all the other racist wingnuts. We literally just watched the US Government announce that their official policy will be Nationalism. That should terrify us all.

Don’t forget Trump also claimed the Boy Scouts called him to say that his speech was the best speech ever!! Except that then the head of BSA released a statement saying “the president is smoking crack; we didn’t call him.” Anyone who has read the full transcript of his controversial interview with Wall Street Journal and looked at the hot-mess word salad it was would be skeptical of him being able to give any sort of a decent speech. His brain can’t handle more than 140 characters at a time.
Twinkle toes and human tire-fire, Rick Perry, is now being considered for chief of Homeland Security — -a position that’s been vacant for months now because we live in a peaceful world in which the US has no enemies so why bother? Trust me, as a Texan, I know all about Perry’s legendary ignorance. He shouldn’t be the Assistant Manager at a Whataburger, much less in charge of the security of the entire nation. Trump supporters be like: “White people are being oppressed!” but look at the entire White House and Congress right now: filled with mediocrity and incompetence. I think white dudes are doing just fine.
Trump’s approval rating is officially in the shitter at only 33% people approving of the job he’s doing, which begs the question: who the fuck are these 33%?
Also, lots of talk about Trumpet declaring the White House “a dump” to his country club buddies. Can you imagine if the Black President had said this? Congress would probably legalize slavery again within the week. Everyday we are forced to compare the hell and tackiness we’re living in now to the dignity and grace of what we had just six months ago. And *still* GOP members of Congress are SILENT.
Trump is a blustery, bloviating fuckwit capable of epic fuckwittery, but never forget how complicit Congress has been in all of this. Old, rich, white men so terrified of losing income and power that they’re selling us all down the river. Register to vote, y’all. Then go vote this nonsense out of office during #2018midterms.
God, I need a drink.
