shitshow roundup, october 19, 2017

The GOP is unraveling so quickly now, not only am I gonna have to start doing daily updates, I might have to do hourly updates. We’ve got GOP in-fighting, body double theories, and BLOTUS’s general cruelty to dissect today, so let’s get down to it.

Civilians and military personnel alike are savaging Trump for his call to the wife of one of the fallen soldiers in Niger. Our Empath-in-Chief told the grieving widow “Well, he knew what he was getting into,” which was undoubtedly a great comfort for her to hear and made his sacrifice all worth it. Oh well, the old white men of the GOP aren’t known for their soft, chewy centers. One can imagine Newt Gingrich’s wife, riddled with cancer, lying in a hospital bed as he gives her a shrug and tells her “Marriage: you knew what you were getting into.”

And speaking of knowing what we were getting into, it still remains unclear exactly what we were getting into in Niger, something John McCain wants an investigation to determine. Trumpleton is nothing if not predictable — he lashed out at McCain with all the subtlety of a bullhorn in a library, telling the former POW “I’m being very, very nice but at some point I fight back and it won’t be pretty.” Donny, Donny, Donny…while your presidency feels like a stint in the Hanoi Hilton to most of us, I’m guessing that anyone who survived actually living in one of these camps, as McCain did for 5.5 years, could kill you with his pinky finger, in spite of a brain tumor. The GOP seems uninterested in looking into Trump’s latest military clusterfuck. The party of “we held, literally, 33 hearings on Benghazi at a cost of $7M to taxpayers” is all “Nah bruh, we’re good” on the deaths of four soldiers in Niger.

His handling of his ill-received phone call and his subsequent obvious lie about how Obama did or did not handle soldier deaths is prompting other Gold Star families to tattle on Trump’s handling of their own phone calls. One father claims Trump offered to personally write him a check for $25K, which of course he never received. And an old lawsuit has even resurfaced in which Trump got sued by a disabled vet with a service dog after Trump booted him from one of his properties for having said dog. (And the part of Trump will be played by Montgomery Burns in the biopic of his presidency.) Christ, even Dubya did better, as the sister of a soldier killed in Afghanistan recalled on social media — he let her scream at him then held her while she bawled like a baby.

And as long as we’re talking about Newt’s wives, his current one is Trump’s nominee for Ambassador to Vatican City, which is ironic since she carried on a six-year affair with ol’ Newtie when she proclaims to be a devout Catholic. No doubt the Pope made his “Trump face” when he heard the news. Newtie himself was in the news a couple days ago for sending out an unintelligible tweet, causing some to wonder whether his spellcheck got cancer so he abandoned it as well.

Rage pope

As far as reneging on commitments, Trump and congressional Republicans have long been singing the song of how broken Obamacare is and how they will find something better that will lower our health insurance premiums. However, the Liar-In-Chief unilaterally halted funding for subsidies last week, and the move will actually raise rates next year. This has led Lindsey Graham (R-SC) to proclaim “If we fail on taxes our party will disintegrate.” I dunno what alternate reality you’ve been living in, Linzer, but I think the GOP’s ship has sailed.

Twitter is all a-twitter regarding a conspiracy that Melania has a body double to avoid having to make appearances with The Donald. I don’t blame you, Mel. Now, if we could just get, say, Joe Biden to stand in for Donny, that would be super. Folks are pointing to an interview Trump had on October 13 where a gaunt, well-coiffed, ice princess in large sunglasses stood mutely next to Trump as he blathered on and made the strange statement “Even Melania, who is right here standing next to me, thinks this is a good idea.” Melania’s alleged stunt double does manage to look every bit as sullen as Mel herself. Probably because she has spent more time with him lately than Melania has, which has soured her outlook on life and killing her soul slowly. Somewhere in her gaunt frame is an everyday citizen who thought “Sure, I’ll get paid to live in DC and stand in for the First Lady every now and then…sounds like a gas. Lots of travel, good bennies…how bad could it be?” Now she is screaming inside.

Will the real Melania please stand up?

The whole thing puts me in mind of other “double” lies he’s told, like that he owns the original “Two Sisters (On The Terrace)” painting by Renoir, when, in fact, the original hangs in the Chicago Institute of Art and has since 1933. Nevertheless, our walking scrotal sack of a president insists his is real. Perhaps that’s where they keep the real Melania as well, and she spends her days staring at the real version of a painting she had to hear him lie about for 12 years. Not content to peddle just alternative facts, he’s now apparently peddling alternative art as well.

While we’re on the subject of women who loathe the sight of Trump’s smug, bloated face: a subpoena was issued for all documents related to allegations of sexual assault against him while he was a candidate. This includes — and remember folks, this is just during the campaign last year — a shocking TEN women who accused Trump of groping them. That, my friends, is a lotta pussy grabbing. I guess when you’re as unattractive and universally despised as he is, you figure your best best is just reaching over and jamming your hand in a lady’s crotch. Pretty soon the Trump version of the #MeToo hashtag will be trending. His base will still follow him since he could rape someone on Fifth Avenue and get away with it and all.

Something must be ready to drop about Russiagate because our head treasonweasel has been tweeting about the Steele Dossier again, the majority of which has been able to be corroborated by our intel community and/or investigative journalists. This time, he decided to accuse — again, I wish I were kidding — the fucking FBI of treason. He’s now managed to alienate the FBI, the CIA, all the intel peeps from Five Eyes, and the Secret Service, which makes you wonder how the fuck he’s still alive, much less in office. Intel sources are saying it was an “extremely wealthy Republican family” that paid for the Steele dossier. Speculation is that it was the Koch Bros. since they loathe Trump, and everyone knows how they toss their billions around to achieve their objectives nefarious in nature.

Speaking of of indecent industrialists, Forbes released its annual list of 400 richest Americans, revealing that the man so obsessed with winners and winning, fell 92 spots to #248 on the list, having suffered losses of $600M. Don’t worry though, he and his family have big plans for recouping those losses, and lucky us — it involves stealing our hard-earned money! In addition to profiting rampantly off his presidency so far, one can easily imagine Trump’s own Nixonian resignation day, giving the thumbs up as he’s cramming dishware, silver, and the bed from the Lincoln bedroom onto Marine One as he departs.

Cheer up folks, only 1,188 more days of this hot fucking nonsense. Pray for impeachment. Or a rage stroke.

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