shitshow roundup — september 27, 2017

Every day really is a fresh, new hell under the “leadership” of the pontificating pustule sitting in the White House. No more so this week than for the people of Puerto Rico, who are facing six months without electricity, food, running water, or really any kind of infrastructure at all without the might of America’s help. Trump, who waived what’s called the Jones Act after hurricanes Harvey and Irma, decided he would do no such thing for the brown people who live on that island in “a very big ocean” that DJT just figured out was part of America. The Jones Act basically slaps tariffs on ships headed into US ports, which the good people of PR have always hated since, logically, they shouldn’t have to pay extra for goods since they’re part of the US too. Except that they do have to pay it, and it’s one of the things that makes basic supplies on island states hella expensive. In times of emergency, the president typically waives the tariffs so supplies can get to the areas of devastation at much lower costs.

Senator John McCain, whose brain cancer seems to have turned him into a Democrat, wrote a letter to our master bloviator, expressing his dismay at the tariffs not being waived, stating it was inhumane and cruel to let the people of PR suffer. But the manchild in the Oval doesn’t forget. So because Trump hates McCain for killing his Obamacare repeal, he’s going to let 3.5 million people suffer. And that certainly didn’t stop him from tweeting to remind the world that he was a winner who is totally winning when he boldly proclaimed: “We’ve gotten A-pluses on Texas and in Florida, and we will also on Puerto Rico.”

Still, one can’t blame Donny for these little Twitter slips. He makes them often. Just this morning, at the ungodly hour of 3AM, it was discovered that Donny was deleting all of the past tweets in which he gave full-throated support of Alabama senate candidate, Luther Strange. Since everything Trump touches dies, it came as no surprise to anyone that Strange’s opponent won handily. Hard to tell what turned the race in Roy Moore’s favor — Donny’s support for his opponent or the fact that Moore pulled out a handgun at a campaign rally two days ago and asserted that no one better dare to call him soft on the Second Amendment because, as God is his witness, he packs heat at GOP rallies like everyone else in the state.

Yesterday’s big news is that, thanks to Senators Murkowski, McCain, Paul, and Collins, the GrahamCassidy bill appears to be DOA. Mitch McConnell stood on the steps of the Hill and made his saddest face, which was indistinguishable from his happiest one, and said that the GOP has given up on trying to repeal the ACA. Don’t let him fool you, kids. This scrappy death squad will be back threatening us all with medical-induced bankruptcy sometime in the near future, you can make book on that. But at least for now, no one is taking Grandma’s oxygen away.

The NFL continues to be in the spotlight, with fine and decent people acknowledging that America has a huge race problem and vowing to #TakeAKnee to support Colin Kaepernick’s protest of policy brutality and others preferring to live under authoritarian rule, screaming that the president absolutely CAN make these players stand and, dagnabbit, they will boycott the NFL until the coaches and management get on board and force these uppity black men to know their place. Hey you know who else HAS to stand for the national anthem? North Koreans. You know who doesn’t? Any goddamned American who doesn’t want to. As on other issues, the party of “no big government” is actually about very tiny, microscopic government…at least when it comes to telling someone how to behave during a song or whether or not a lady has control of her own tiny uterus. Things like education or healthcare though? Kick that government right on outta there!

And the racists continue to loudly proclaim that it’s not about race, it’s about “respecting the flag.” Unless you put down your Funyuns and Bud Light and stand in front of your TV when the anthem comes on, you should shut the fuck up. It IS about race, as a fire chief in Philly noted on his Facebook account, when he called Steelers’ coach, Mike Tomlin, a n****** because the Steelers, as a team, decided to remain in the locker room during the anthem. Wanna know why “black people always have to make it about race?” Because they live with people like that fire chief day in and day out. If white people got treated the way we treat people of color in this country, we would have burned down the capitol decades ago.

Unless y’all get to the polls: our next president.

Trump continues to engage in geopolitical dick-swinging as he keeps poking at North Korea like an angry anthill. Last week, aides told Trump not to attack Kim Jong Un during his UN speech, advice he promptly ignored, saying that the US may have to “totally destroy” North Korea and that “rocket man is on a suicide mission.” North Korea responded with “Bitches, did you hear that? That sounded like a declaration of war, you Yankee motherfuckers.” The White House scoffed at the claim.

Homeland Security notified 21 states that their voting systems had been breached by Russian hackers. Officials confirmed that Alabama, Colorado, Connecticut, Iowa, Maryland, Minnesota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Wisconsin and Washington were among the states targeted. Oh and Wisconsin confirmed that stricter voter ID laws disenfranchised 17,000 voters. Meh, not like Wisconsin was at all important to the election so.

People seem to be pretty upset that Hillary Clinton deigned to put words onto paper and talk about the 2016 election in detail. It seems that those folks who didn’t vote for Hillary have gotten supremely butt-hivey that they’re being called sexist and deny that she was held to a different standard. And then, almost as if God himself loves a good real-life example, the news broke that J-Kush, Vanks, Steve “It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere” Bannon, Steve “My Soul Died Long Ago” Miller, and Preebs all used their private email accounts to conduct WH business. Did the BUT HER EMAILS crowd rise up in a fury at this news? Surprisingly, they did not. America didn’t even bat an eye. I hope Hillz is sitting on a beach somewhere right now having a smooth island boy fan her as she sips a stiff but fruity cocktail. I hope that wherever she is, she has her middle finger squarely aimed at the US.

Lastly, the Director of the DEA resigned yesterday, stating the obvious reason that most people have quit his administration so far: that he is a slug who thinks he’s above the law. No, really, the DEA Director actually said he was quitting because Trump “doesn’t respect the law.” I mean, rumor has it that he’d been suspicious of Trump’s manic energy, constant case of the sniffles, and need for very little sleep from the outset, but that it was when he witnessed firsthand a huge bag of drugs being tossed over the White House wall that he decided to call it quits.

And that’s a wrap folks. And if you have an extra $10 to spare, send it to the good folks of Puerto Rico so they don’t think we’re all assholes on the scale of Trumpletard himself. They need our help. They are Americans. And even if they weren’t, it’s still okay to be a decent human and lend a hand.