Is Your Normal Meter Broken?
Once upon a time, a very pregnant woman invited her mother to come stay with her and her husband. The husband had been precariously holding onto a job and had his own mental battles. His mother was resistant to him seeking counselling which just added on to the misery. Yet, the baby was due any day and so the expecting mom tried to make the most of the time with her mother.
It didn’t take long for her husband to decide his mother-in-law’s presence — as she did laundry, tidied, bought them groceries, and meals — was too much stress for him and she had to go.
The expecting mom was so humiliated by this that she asked her mother-in-law to break the news. The woman’s mother graciously took it and ended up in a hotel before the expense required her to return to her home state. The expecting mother felt so guilty that she barely saw her mother, instead she wept in the guest room where her mother had been staying.
The husband continued to fall apart, including quitting his job and not going to the hospital when she went into labor. His mother continued to coddle him and make sure he didn’t get any of the blame. The woman had her baby by herself and then spent weeks more crying, while trying to tend to a newborn and keep her household running including all the cooking, cleaning, and shopping that her mother had been doing for them.
When the woman shared this on a forum, one commenter quickly pointed out that her Normal Meter was broken.
If she had a functioning one, the husband would have left to be with his mother. The expecting mother would have experienced her mother’s care during her labor and post-partum, care that her husband wasn’t willing or able to give. The woman admitted she had never considered the idea of asking her husband to leave because he was supposed to be the one taking care of her... right?
I was a home birth midwife for years and saw the intimate workings of hundreds of families. I realize our Normal Meters can be broken in a variety of ways. Some of it isn’t malicious at all. It’s just a bad situation that goes on long enough to feel, well, normal.
Other times, we are the victims of gaslighters, narcissists and other abusers who know full well what they’re doing to us. Parents and partners top the list. Narcissists get the most press and with Reddit’s Raised By Narcissists subreddit many people have found community support.
Psychology Today offers a guide to ten signs of narcissistic parenting. A few of them include:
Jealousy & Possessiveness
Since a narcissistic mother or father often hopes that the child will permanently dwell under the parent’s influence, she or he may become extremely jealous at any signs of the child’s growing maturity and independence. Any perceived act of individuation and separation, from choosing one’s own academic and career path, to making friends not approved by the parent, to spending time on one’s own priorities, are interpreted negatively and personally (“Why are you doing this to ME?”).
In particular, the appearance of a romantic partner in the adult offspring’s life may be viewed as a major threat, and frequently responded to with rejection, criticism, and/or competition. In the eyes of some narcissistic parents, no romantic partner is ever good enough for their offspring, and no interloper can ever challenge them for dominance of their child.
Manipulation
Common examples of narcissistic parenting manipulation include:
Guilt trip: “I’ve done everything for you and you’re so ungrateful.”
Blaming: “It’s your fault that I’m not happy.”
Unreasonable pressure: “You WILL perform at your best to make me proud.”
Lack of Empathy
“One of the most common manifestations of a narcissistic father or mother is the inability to be mindful of the child’s own thoughts and feelings and validate them as real and important. Only what the parent thinks and feels matters.”
MindBodyGreen offers more regarding the lack of empathy in relationships:
Narcissists also lack an understanding about the nature of feelings. They don’t understand how their feelings occur. They think their feelings are caused by someone or something outside of themselves. They don’t realize that their feelings are caused by their own biochemistry, thoughts, and interpretations. In a nutshell, narcissists always think you cause their feelings — especially the negative ones. They conclude that because you didn’t follow their plan or because you made them feel vulnerable, you are to blame.
Gaslighting is another term that has made it to Reddit’s commonly-used word list.
If you often find yourself being blamed for not remembering correctly, even if you have black and white proof (text, pictures, etc), you may be dealing with gaslighting.
Countering: the abusive partner questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. Ex. “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”
A few other commonly used tactics are:
Blocking/Diverting: the abusive partner changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts. Ex. “Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?” or “You’re imagining things.”
Trivializing: the abusive partner makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant. Ex. “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”
Withholding: the abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. Ex. “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”
Source: https://www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting/
How can you check your normal meter?
One of the best ways is to have a trusted friend, or two, that you know have healthy relationships and simply be honest with them. This is hard, especially if you’re in the habit of covering for your partner or parents. Exposing the warts of a relationship does get easier with time.
Counselling is always a valid step and can help you to break free from the toxic relationships. Another step is to keep a journal or timeline of events, so you can go back and reassure yourself of events.
Keeping texts, emails, and voicemail messages are also useful for having a clear view of reality.
Also remember, the closer you come to escaping an abusive relationship the more likely the abuser will ramp up their efforts to control you. This is due to fear.
MBG shares, “The narcissist’s entire life is motivated and energized by fear. Most narcissists’ fears are deeply buried and repressed. They’re constantly afraid of being ridiculed, rejected, or wrong. They may have fears about germs, about losing all their money, about being emotionally or physically attacked, about being seen as bad or inadequate, or about being abandoned. This makes it difficult and sometimes impossible for the narcissist to trust anyone else.
In fact, the closer your relationship becomes, the less he will trust you. Narcissists fear any true intimacy or vulnerability because they’re afraid you’ll see their imperfections and judge or reject them. No amount of reassurance seems to make a difference, because narcissists deeply hate and reject their own shameful imperfections. “
Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/14-signs-of-narcissism
Many hotlines and in person services exist to help people suffering any type of abuse be able to leave safely. A quick search using your location (i.e. Chicago or London) followed by “abuse support” will bring up results. If your abuser regularly invades your privacy, be sure to use an anonymous browsing window or clear your search history afterward.
It is hard to change your life but getting rid of the bad is required to make room for the good. While writing this article I compiled a list of resources that I’m able to share with anyone in need.
