Cats Just Can’t Be Bothered

College Station, Texas

New research conducted by Texas A&M shows that house cats aren’t actively malicious against their owners, but wouldn’t be bothered if their owners died. The research presents cats as very adaptable, cold, calculating creatures. For most cat owners, this is in stark contrast to the often loving pets we keep.

“Fluffs would be emotionally destroyed without me,” said Clara McMadden, 58, from San Antonio. “When I return home from playing bingo, Fluffs rubs against my leg until I give him snacks. He always sleeps at the foot of my bed.”

Researcher Dr. Gary Winters noted that this is a common misconception.

“Ms. McMadden’s cat rubs against her leg because he wants to be scratched. He also knows that Ms. McMadden will give him extra food if he feigns affection. I would venture to say that he sleeps at the foot of her bed simply because he’s cold. If you were to die tomorrow, your cat wouldn’t even notice,” said Dr. Winters.

Cat enthusiasts were outraged at the research results. Groups of protesters gathered outside the Texas A&M Animal Science labs on Friday, chanting

“They’re more than just friends, you see,

my cat depends on me.”

“I don’t mean to be rude, but cats just use their owners for food,” replied Dr. Winters.

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