The Amazon Rainforest is Excited Another 200 Acres will be cleared for Your Wrong Bracket!
By: Brain Wittsky
March Madness is in the air and Debbie from the office who stole your lunch last week is ready to take your $5 buy in from the office pool with her brainiac psyche and fortune teller abilities. The real winner every march is the garbage cans that get more than their fill of your busted bracket that you chose by your gut, the one you picked with careful precision and the one your kids filled out in crayon. I personally never fill out a bracket by going with my gut because that bastard hates me anyways, especially after the 20th hot wing I’ve made it suffer through.
The most excited for the chaos of March is the Amazon Rainforest. Sure, the Rainforest is home to the greatest diversity on the planet but I can’t pull up unlimited porn and play Clash of Clans there. Plus, it is probably hiding the cure for cancer in it like a very malevolent game of Where’s Waldo. So, there is pros and cons to it. How to repay such a beautiful place? We burn it down every march.
I personally couldn’t reach out to the Rainforest for comments but I met a nice woman at Bonaroo tripping balls on Psilocybin and a dream catcher tattoo on her left breast who told me she would gladly translate for me. She told me the trees we’re very excited to provide us clean air and get repaid by having not one person on the planet ever create a perfect bracket on their dead sproutling. “I’m glad to have my offspring to be littered with Duke and Louisville just to end up in a landfill after the first round.”
Hopefully someone this year can bring back hope to the rainforest but I thank someone would literally have a better chance finding Bill Murray taking a shit in your bathroom as he reads Mein Kampf than a perfect bracket. But the real winner is as always is the paper companies that will inevitably make more money then I’ll know what to do with. Do I smell a conspiracy..?