The Spirituality of Heartache

A personal journey to healing Part One

I have recently went through a breakup with my beloved. That was not the first time she left and ran away from me, but this one, I know, was the final one. She is gone and not coming back. I tried to reach out to her many times. I broke every rule on the book of “how to deal with a breakup”, in the name of my love for her, but nothing worked so I had to respect her decision. It was painful, it still is.

I am caught between learning to let go and loving her still.

I am caught between my will to fulfill my dreams to meet her and her last request to me to stop dreaming because for her, that dream died. Our long distance relationship lasted for a year and six months. I lost her without even having the chance to hold her hand, to smell her hair, to rub my skin against her, to feel her warmth, to see how she beautifully smiles in person or to see that look in her eyes just a few inches away from my face. I thought we really got it all together. Though we are continents away from each other, it seemed as though everything were already aligned for our most anticipated meeting. She only has less than two years before she gets her US petition and I, on the other hand, is bound to work in a US territorial country. We had been both very patient. In times when we would miss each other, we learned how to connect with each other from our hearts, disregarding the physical distance and just enjoyed being present with each other’s presence. We were so grateful for the dynamics of our understanding and acceptance of our circumstance. In our hearts, we knew we were ready to overcome the challenge and work toward our meeting even if it would take us some time. Until that fateful night when she suddenly decided to give up on us. She said she could no longer take the loneliness of being separated from me. Her fear of “what if we couldn’t make it to each other in the end?” question suddenly killed her inspiration and her vision of our future. She said, “I no longer feel inspired. I no longer feel strong. I no longer see us working out. I no longer want to hurt and fool myself.” She said she would rather break her heart now than to continue longing for me only to not make it in the end. I was in shock.

I was aware of the enormous task ahead of us but that did not deter me from moving forward because of only ONE reason… I LOVE HER.

With that love, I AM WILLING. I love her more than anything else, more than any fears that would visit me once in a while. I did not know what happened and I do not want to decipher the reason anymore because it is even more painful to ask “why”. I have had several breakups before but this one with her is the most painful for she is my soulmate. Though physically apart, our soul connection was undeniable. Nobody has ever showed me those hidden parts of me that I thought were nonexistent.

Through her, I met my equal. A perfect mirror of myself. An incredible loving, spiritual experience.

For that alone, I am deeply grateful. Though losing her is still excruciatingly painful, I am teaching myself day by day to accept what IS and allow this painful change to transform me. Through this experience, I have the chance to explore the spirituality of heartache. This is only the beginning.

While looking for things to help me get through this heartache, I stumbled upon this enlightening video about the spirituality of heartache. Such a blessing!