The Rational White Man

Let Me Introduce Myself

I am around 5'10", weigh a buck ninety-five, and I am neither extremely fit nor morbidly obese. My complexion lacks melanin, and though my physique and stature are average my reason is as sexy as Channing Tatum in Magic Mike or Mark Ruffalo in any movie ever. That is right, my rational mind is what gets the coveted double take; that I-think-I-just-saw-something-I-like-I-need-to-look-again, double take.

How did I get such a reputation for rational mind, you ask? It is easy whenever a disaster happens or political conflict arises I just channel my inner schizophrenic dictator and from there its just pretty natural. I am sorry I cannot give more details, I suppose it is not an issue of merit, I was just kind of given this immaculately rational mind. So instead of telling you, I am going to show you through addressing three major topics in modern America.

White Privilege.

This is easy. There is no such thing. Boom! I swear every time this conversation comes up on the water cooler docket at work, I say this and everyone quickly looks at the floor and then gives me a second look with cute, awkward smiles. I love the double takes. Everyone leaves quickly after my rational mind drops some wisdom. I guess my presence is intimidating; not everyone is given such a mind — what a privilege.

Immigration

Build a wall. That’s right, if you failed to catch the implied you in that previous sentence, it should read you build a wall. Don’t ask me the antecedent to that pronoun, it does not matter. It will not be me who builds said wall. The main reason for the wall is to keep out extremism. We can’t allow extreme ideals and ideas to come into the country, so we are going to keep everyone out… with a wall, an extremely large wall.

Gun Rights

Chicago. That is all the evidence you need. I cannot say this is an original thought. When my rational mind is in need of sustenance I read only unbiased articles that are fair and balanced. The gun argument is a little more complex, not much just a little, than the arguments above, so I opened up my weekly subscription of National Riflemen. After deep reflection my rational mind agrees. The city of Chicago refutes all legislation that restricts the sales of guns. Every… Single… One… If a city has strict gun laws and high homicide rate clearly gun limitations are the reason for people being murdered in droves. If you just look at Wyoming and the two people who live there with all their guns, you would see that there have been exactly zero fatalities involving guns.

So I have been thinking about this a lot lately. The public officials in Chicago are a tyranny. They are taking are guns, a GOD GIVEN RIGHT, so we must revolt. So what we are going to do is use roads to transport guns from Wisconsin, a state with relatively lax guns laws to Chicago. Those dumb state officials think that the only place a person can buy a gun is in the city they live. Man are they wrong. They need to study a little thing called commerce. Anyway, once the guns get to Chicago, I will laugh when the world sees murder rates plummet.

For some of those that are not white, men, or rational I have to go a little further with this argument. Exhibit B is Frank The Punisher Castle. Yes, the dude off of Daredevil who kills gangsters in New York like an adolescent pops pimples. The deterrent a criminal needs is knowledge that every human being in Chicago has three guns. This is justice, when civilians police. I mean how hard can policing be, they just shoot people. Give me a gun and a badge. I am going to find me some terrorists and defend myself.

I know this a lot to take in, so feel free to look twice. I hope it benefits you greatly, and if you don’t understand my arguments do not feel bad. Everyone cannot have a mind as rational as this white males.