A Bat Got Into My Family’s Washing Machine: An Oral History

NYC is the city of opportunity; “anything could happen” — Ellie Goulding. For example, yesterday I saw EVERYBODY WANTS SOME !! alone and as I left the theater a very drunk man patted me on the back. Bright lights, big city baby!

But last night something happened that made me miss my hometown, on the border of Illinois and Wisconsin, a town where I used to be so bored that I would sit in a lawn chair all morning waiting for the mail to come, and where I once spent a whole summer trying to get someone to buy me a $1 pickle.

Last night, my little brother tweeted:

I’m going to stop inserting my commentary because you already know how I feel about this: great. Below is an ORAL HISTORY of the bat in the washing machine.

NINOCHKA (my little brother): I threw my backpack in the washing machine and noticed something hanging from the side of the washing machine. I thought it was a sock so I went to pick it up, but then it fucking MOVED

[ed note: this is a horrible picture but it’s what we have]

NINOCHKA: [three sobbing emojis]

TB (my stepdad): Evan came upstairs to get me and he looked like he had a near death experience. We went downstairs and I closed the lid to the washing machine. Then Evan insisted on taking photographs through the glass lid of the bat and his backpack. Finally I ran the washer through a warm cycle with high spin dry.

NINOCHKA: Tom turned on the washing machine, so yes there is a dead bat in the washing machine with a backpack that I will never touch again.

TB: Evan thinks I am a cold hearted person.

MOM (my mommy ❤): I was fast asleep. I vaguely remember waking up and telling them to stop making so much noise. I’ve become a dullard.

ALEX (my brother who lives in Memphis): I wonder how long the bat was living in the washing machine before they did the wash.

NINOCHKA: I did laundry last night and there were zero bats. Last year a bat flew into my room, but it disappeared so who knows how many there could be in this house.

TB: The bat must have entered back porch through the eave which I never got around to closing off. I will encourage Sherry and Evan to keep the washing machine top closed while not in use to prevent future mingling of laundry and bats.

TB: This morning I removed the backpack from the washer and placed it in our garbage can. There was no sign of the bat. Next I had a big bowl of popcorn and orange pop to celebrate a job well done!

And there you have it. This is, to my thinking, the funniest thing that has ever happened. Thank you for reading and please participate in my little brother’s poll: