Failure. Setbacks. Loss.
Lately when people ask me how I am doing, I do not know how to answer truthfully. I just answer with the “I’m doing well, just busy.” The truth is — I’m not doing well. I’m doing better than what I was doing a couple months ago, but I’m still scared. I’m scared that I’m going to have another setback (e.g. me not getting into the program that I want, or me getting in and failing yet again). When I was younger, I never thought that I would fail. I was always the smart kid in class. People would always see me as successful in the future. Ever since I have entered college, I knew that I no longer was that “smart Indian girl” that people used to think of me as. I know that grades do not define a person, but it still does not feel good to fail. There’s so much uncertainty in my life right now, and I never thought that I would get to this point. I should not be complaining, right? I mean, my friend lost her dad. At least that did not happen to me. All I can depend on right now is Allah. I need to do better in my deen. Maybe that is why I’m failing. I am not focusing on my deen like I should be. I try to pray, but I always miss Fajr, Isha, or both. I need to put more importance in my prayer. I just wish there was more of a connection when I pray. When people talk about feeling that connection with Allah when they pray, I really crave that. I really need to get into this program, or I don’t know what I will do with my life.