The Dark Cloud

As many people with mental health issues, I had always felt different from everyone else. I am that person who is in a crowded room and feels completely alone and helpless. Interestingly, I was super out-going, athletic, and as I like to say…a social butterfly. No matter how many people I was around or how many people I was flying like a butterfly around, there was this emptiness inside of me…this dark, empty, lonely hole that was so big it should have scared people away.

I never wanted to be different…I always wanted to fit in…and looking back, I never did find my place with all of those people but for a good reason. I never allowed ANYONE to get close enough to know anything about my dark and lonely void. Hmm…now that I think about it…no wonder I ended up in unhealthy relationships!

This damn black hole grew bigger and bigger as it progressively turned into a dark cloud that followed me around everywhere I went. It was a constant reminder that something was missing. I tried drinking, binging and purging, not eating, fighting, and bullying. I am not proud of any of this but at the time, I wanted this darkness to fade, even if it was a little bit…but that never happened.

I feel that society puts a lot of pressure on people to be “normal” and emphasizes that being “different” is always a negative thing. That damn dark hole and cloud followed me around for 18 years of my life until I finally found the reason it was present in my life for so long…because I was trying to find myself in others rather than putting in the work and effort to create my own identity and be the person I wanted to be…even if some people didn’t like it!

I suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD and I can finally say today that I am proud of who I am and there is no way in hell I will EVER allow a single person…or society…attempt to make me feel otherwise. As I started to grow into the person I feel I was destined to become despite my mental illnesses, the darkness slowly faded until one day, it disappeared. Don’t get me wrong, it likes to try and come around now and then…tear me down…and make me miserable but as long as I have a solid foundation of who I am and love the person I am…that darkness has no power over me.


Originally published at thelifeofaspoonie.org on April 19, 2016.