My Top Ten Breathtaking Tech Investment Recommendations for 2017

Get ready for another year of breakthroughs disrupting life as we know it. Cash rich megacompanies, VCs, incubators, angels, and the rest of us have filled the pipeline with amazing product concepts that will change the way we work, think, feel, move, code, and play after they are fully funded.

[Ranked by highest burn rate achieved in the shortest time frame] 
1. Gender-attentive AI home Automator Comes in 3 voices: The Argumentor disputes your commands. The Placator acquiesces in your wishes. The PC gets its feelings hurt. Expect a mid-year upgrade with personalized innuendos.

2. VR Selfie Stimulator Awesome immersive simulations that can be completed in less than 12 minutes and are worth the nausea

3. 3D CRISPR body part printer Cranks out perfectly coded replacement organs and all the right implants on command

4. Driverless motorcycle Drops the casualty rate to zero, riffs exhaust at stoplights, suddenly yields the right of way

teenage version: Driverless skateboard, careens down sidewalks and across barricades without warning but tips up when challenged

5. Startup recycler Saves time and money for staffing and lawyers by moving to the other side of the incubator, relabeling the biz plan and hanging new signage. 
6. Biome diverter Send your shit to a lab that reports back on the spectacular collection of bacteria and creepy crawlers uncontrollably infecting your every crevasse

7. Wearable underwear Detects your bodily needs and pulses your wristband when you feel the urge, whatever it is

8. 28 and Trying A dating service that matches DNA and predicts who will get custody of the offspring

9. Thought cancelling headphones Your temples will tingle but otherwise nothing comes to mind. No need for endless hip-aching meditation.

10. NoNo cellphone silencer app Set the clock to shut it down when you want perfect silence, no signal, no swiping, nada

Imagined by Bob Ellis, who claims to be San Francisco’s oldest living appreneur, most recently producer of the sticker election app Emote Your Vote, former publisher of which went public in the first bubble, and starter/collaborator on many content sites, some still extant. In the 60s I reported on Washington ways as a correspondent and writer for TIME Magazine.