Confidence is (way) Overrated
You’ve got a dream. I know you do because almost everybody does. And if you’re out here reading blog posts you most certainly do.
A dream for yourself, your businesses, your community, or the world. Whatever it is there’s something you’re trying to make happen—or at least wishing would happen.
And even though I hear friends, customers, and strangers talk about their dreams almost every day, few it seems are taking actual positive action towards a goal.
Change and progress it would seem are difficult.
Some of you have been talking about the same dream for years—and are right now in the same exact circumstances you were years ago.
This was me for years. But a few years ago something shifted for me and I was no longer just talking or dreaming, but actually doing. It took a long time for me to shift into action so I had a good long opportunity to map the path I took.
If you want something different, you have to do something different. And so often we start to try something new only to find out that in some fundamental way we are still up to the same old game.
Looking back over my path I think there’s something useful in it, and I’d like to share it with you here. If you’ve got an unrealized dream then keep reading, I think you’ll find this incredibly valuable.
“Weakness” as Strength
In the last 5 years I’ve gone from broke to financially abundant, chronically depressed to habitually happy, and from single to happily coupled. In this time I’ve also published my first book, moved to a new city, and created a new meaningful and profitable career.
I’ve done it all by acting in ways I used to percieve as weak.
For most of my life I’ve been headstrong, overly confident, and a bit angry. I may not have worn all this on my sleeve but it was the subtext for most of my conversations at work and at home.
Most teenagers think they know everything of course, but I stuck with it for many years after reaching “adulthood.” I was the guy who always showed promise, but who managed to drive away folks who cared, and squander opportunity after opportunity.
My potential almost became a joke with me—and it was certainly a sore point in my psyche, having people I loved expect great things from me only to find myself repeating the same professional and personal mistakes again and again. But I was also incredibly fortunate to have people who believed in me.
Things always kind of worked out. I usually had a girlfriend, a pretty good job, and managed to keep the bills paid—but I never really got that far ahead either.
I was Mr. Potential.
The fact that I was cyclically depressed, and had a somewhat too-close relationship with alcohol and anger, were the only indications that something wasn’t quite right. You usually only got to see all this if you were close to me.
Hitting Bottom
Then it happened.
A series of unfortunate, but rather predictable, and mostly self-generated events left me in a place where my old tricks no longer worked. My luck ran out.
I found myself broke, out of work, and unable to find work in any of my previously chosen fields. My skill sets felt useless and my world just kept shrinking.
I became starkly aware that if something didn’t change I was headed for disaster—heck I’d already been through layoffs, divorce, and most of my savings, stuff many would classify as disasters, but I’d clung to the notion that it would all work out like it had before—only this time it wasn’t.
It was in this moment that I gave up. And this made all the difference.
I gave up the idea that I had all the answers—or knew much of anything valuable.
I could see that I had a choice to be “strong” and stick to my guns, or to finally admit that I didn’t really know what I was doing and start seeking out—and actually taking—advice and guidance from those who had what I wanted and dreamed of.
I chose humility and suggestibility.
I started to consciously choose friends and mentors who had made some part of the journey I was hoping to make. People with meaningful careers, good relationships, and engaged lives. Heck I even realized my family—especially my father—had a ton to offer that, in my arrogance, I’d previously missed.
I became willing to do things differently. Sometimes it was a willingness to try almost anything at all—this was key.
Giving Up Control
If you’re ready to take this kind of thing on yourself it starts with humility. With the acknowledgement that no one can do it alone or have all the answers. And that the solutions to some of our most entrenched problems feel downright foreign the first time we try them.
If you want what you’ve got keep doing what you’re doing, and if you want to change you’re going to feel a bit—actually, a lot—uncomfortable at first.
It starts with choosing role models carefully. Looking around and seeing who in your world has something you want—financial clarity, a good job, a thriving family—and observing and talking to them about how they do what they do.
Next you’ve got to try these things on in your own life. This is not something you can work on by asking “why” and figuring things out conceptually. This is a path of action, of doing something and taking note of the results. And always believing there’s a better way of doing things than what you’re doing right now.
Be suggestible, and willing to fail, and then try again.
Humility for me was the key to happiness. At a friend’s suggestion I decided to try not drinking alcohol for a while it felt scary at first then opened up a world of new ways of dealing with negative feelings. I practiced gratitude for the good things I did have, and silently wished people well throughout the day. And most importantly I stopped giving conscious credence to resentments of any kind, treating them more as mental noise than anything real.
Finding Support
When looking for people to guide you start with friends and friends of friends. Get curious and get observant—there is likely a ton of wisdom right under your nose. There are also many groups out there where these people hang out: Lifeonaire, No More Mr. Nice Guy, 12-Step Programs, Men’s or Women’s Groups, Martial Arts clubs and more.
Look around, find people who actually have created what you want to create for yourself. And then listen and, most importantly, act. Do something different, hear the uncomfortable truth and try something new.
But remember that though discomfort is part of the process, it can also be a smoke screen and a trap in itself.
We are uncomfortable when we grow of course, but just because we are uncomfortable doesn’t mean we are growing.Go easy on yourself and give yourself time.
This is the long game. Resist anyone who tells you how to change quickly or instantly or who makes you feel unsure of yourself then tries to sell you a workshop or coaching program. Resist making decisions or following advice when confused, but also resist taking the easy way out.
This path is about embracing the confusion and giving it a chance to clear. You might even try not always reaching for a drink, a smoke, a cookie, or a smart phone while you sort out how to approach a situation differently.
It’s painful at first, but if you make a habit of it, it actually starts to not suck so much after awhile. This is perhaps the most important change of all—to learn in your bones that change can feel OK and how to lean into it.
I wish you the best on your journey. Your mileage may vary of course and I welcome your experience and conversation by which I mean feel free to leave a comment below.
