Photo by Colton Duke on Unsplash

How to Blow People Off

Ways people dismiss other people with unintelligible gibberish

  1. “Godspeed.” As in, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” Last said to me by a doctor who I dated briefly in 1995. One day he said to me, “Ours was a summer romance. And now it’s the Fall.”
  2. “Good luck.” Read: “You’re going to need it.” Said to you when people don’t think you’ve got a snowflake’s chance in hell.
  3. “Good luck with that.” See above, except that they are no longer trying to conceal that they don’t care.
  4. “Not to hurt your feelings, but…” This person wants to hurt your feelings, but isn’t sure what they’re going to say is hurtful enough to do it, or that you’re clever enough to notice, so they add on this disclaimer to the front so you’ll be on the alert and notice it when the insult drops.
  5. “I don’t understand.” They understand, but they don’t want to. Classic preppy-style one-upsmanship.
  6. “I’m confused.” They’re gaslighting you. An adult does not often experience confusion. Confusion is trying to do your taxes yourself when you’re working with the wrong forms and you don’t have all of your W-2s. This statement means they don’t want to deal with you, the idea that you just expressed, or the reality that you represent.
  7. “I should mingle.” You bored the hell out of this person. You are not a bright, sparkly thing. They don’t mind leaving you standing alone at a party while they melt into a crowd of laughing humans at the other end of the room.
  8. “You look tired.” My favorite response to this is, “You do, too.”
  9. “You do you.” Means fuck off.
  10. “Does that make sense?” Only ever said following the blandest statements of the most quotidian order imaginable. as in, “I’ll make toast. Then I’ll butter it. Does that make sense?” You’re trying to figure out why they asked you if it made sense. Does it not make sense to them? Do they suspect the people around them of second-guessing everything they say? Do they think your I.Q. is around 20 or 25? Are they insecure if you’re hanging on their every word, and the question is a way of calibrating whether or not you’ve been following along? Or have they heard so many egotistical nincompoops uttering this line that’s its become normalized and they feel they must sprinkle their conversation with it to seem important?