New ShatChat App Translates Your Words Into Kirk Melodrama

Daily Livermoron Technology Beat, San Francisco

Application developers have teamed up with linguistics and artificial intelligence engineers in Silicon Valley to successfully launch the latest messaging app, “ShatChat.”

Bleeding edge speech recognition and translation services have been designed to take the users words and turn them into overwrought speeches about love, duty, friendship, and Klingons.

Carney Johnson, an application tester in Palo Alto, described how she spoke into her phone, which had ShatChat loaded on it, and what the results were. “I was really pissed off when my car broke down, and started texting my mom. On her end, the Shat’s voice started speaking ‘This Subaru, I give, she takes. She won’t permit me my life. I’ve got to live hers!’ I mean, it was right and all, but it wasn’t the way I would have said it, exactly. Which was the point, I guess.”

Johnny Frankel, another tester from Greenwich, CT recalled how he was texting his buddy about a new girlfriend. “It was weird — I mean, I was trying to get across how down-to-Earth she is, but I was annoyed that she’s always going to the gym, and suddenly my friend’s phone starts crying out ‘She’s human! Down to the last blood cell, she’s human. Down to the last thought, hope, aspiration, emotion, she’s human. The human spirit is free. You have no power of ownership! She’s free to do as she wishes.’ It was freaky.”

Additional enhancements planned by ShatChat include having the app tear the user’s shirt under great stress, and make the corner of their mouth bleed.