Pataki Campaign Struggles to Find Unoffended Slice of Electorate to Call Their Own.

New York, NY (The Daily Livermoron)

Former New York Governor George Pataki’s nascent campaign for President has fumbled the ball when it comes to finding a unique group of voters to anger, according to political experts. By not singling out a voting block to offend, which hasn’t already been claimed by one of the other Republican campaigns, Pataki is missing out on the kind of polling bump which has helped propel Donald Trump to the top of the pile.

“The more people that Trump insults, the higher his numbers go,” according to Republican analyst Stephen Boehringer. “Hispanic disparagement got him pretty high, then he went after Rosie O’Donnell and the entire menstruating female population, so he continues to spike among likely Republican primary voters in Iowa, New Hampshire, and pretty much nationwide.”

Similarly, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has carved out a coalition niche of labor supporters, teachers, police and firefighters for vilification, propelling him into second place, according to most pollsters. Slandering women and anyone who supports science has become the norm for the rest of the Republican pack, which may be why none of them have been able to differentiate themselves in voters’ minds.

Following last week’s debate in Iowa City, John Kasich was reportedly in danger of making himself appear reasonable, which would likely have caused him to be dropped faster than a flaming Jon Huntsman campaign button. Fortunately for Kasich, he has since backtracked and indicated his disdain for traditionally affronted non-Republican factions, attacking Planned Parenthood and Social Security recipients.

Senator Rand Paul will shortly be releasing details of a budget plan which will likely anger anyone enrolled in Medicare, a population which overlaps substantially with Republican primary voters. Instead of referring to Medicare by name, his campaign is weighing the possibility of attacking “Socialist Government Funded Bureaucrat-run Healthcare” instead, hoping no one will realize what he’s talking about.

A Pataki campaign spokesman has indicated that the candidate will shortly be retreating from some of the rational former positions he has held, in order to increase support among primary voters. During Pataki’s incumbency as three-time governor, conservative commentator William F. Buckley once wondered aloud “whether the only abortion law Governor Pataki would oppose would be one that threatened the rights of gays and lesbians.” With that kind of reputation, his campaign might be little more than a footnote from the 2016 campaign annals. “We’re still looking at the possibility of lashing out against artists and musicians,” according to the spokesman. “Except for banjo players. We’ll need them.”