Project Manager for British-based Multinational Stymied by Imperial Legacy

London, UK (The Daily Livermoron)

Evan Fowkes, an Information Technology (IT) Project Manager for a large British multinational corporation, has been unable to schedule a massive software installation, intended to take place on a maintenance weekend, due to the prevalence of holidays worldwide marking different countries’ independence from Great Britain.

Mr. Fowkes has overseen the design, coding, testing and debugging of a large customer relationship management (CRM) upgrade for the company, which he’d prefer not to name. The CRM software will be used in every territory where the company operates, and its installation is dependent on simultaneous release everywhere, but each date he has proposed to his client-facing end users has been vetoed by somebody on the grounds that there is a local holiday commemorating the British being kicked out.

“Some of them were obvious,” stated Mr. Fowkes. “I was on a videoconference with North American clients going through the summer calendar, and right away this American woman said ‘we can’t do the Fourth of July weekend!’ to which I responded, yes, I KNOW that one.” Canada Day [July 1] took out all of early July, and Egypt was later that same month.

Other calendar dates were less well known to Mr. Fowkes, but impacted significant populations. “Late Spring was no good for the South Africans [May 31], middle of August was out because of Pakistan and India [August 15 & 16]. Moving forward in the calendar, we were even willing to install during religious and international holidays, but no, Sudan and other Africans celebrate our buggering off on January 1. Australia screwed up the end of that month as well [January 26].”

“New Zealand also got full sovereignty on January 1 [1987], but they had it in stages over multiple dates since 1907, and trust a drunken Kiwi to screw it all up for everyone else. The Irish wouldn’t consider making any concessions [December 6], and God save us from an irate Sri Lankan [February 4].” Other nations which fuck up the schedule include Nigeria and Iraq [Oct 1 & 3], Zimbabwe [April 18], and even Fiji [October 10], among dozens of others.

Mr. Fowkes said he greatly preferred his previous software installation experience while working for a German corporation, which just picked a date and made everyone comply, “or else.”

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