Trump Considers Candidates for Director of Fatherland Security

The Daily Livermoron, New York City

President-elect Donald J. Trump’s transition team is currently vetting candidates to fill the position of Director of Fatherland Security, hoping to identify the nominee by the end of this week.

The transition team is considering several names, including former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Trump has spent most of this transition phase high atop the Trump Tower, in his apartment accessible only by private gilded elevator. He has reportedly confided to his closest aides that the transition has not gone as smoothly as anticipated, referring to it as “My struggle.”

Mayor Giuliani, a frequent visitor to Trump Tower, recently remarked that he enjoyed the view from the 58th floor apartment. “It’s kind of like what an Eagle might see. Like where he might nest. Definitely the kind of perch for the Third Reichist man in New York.”

Giuliani later corrected himself, stating that he intended to say “Richest.”

Meanwhile, Melania Trump has been working with top party organizers in both New York and Washington D.C, to coordinate the many Inaugural Balls that the President-elect and his wife are expected to attend. Mrs. Trump released a statement that all of the celebrations would share a common theme, and that the entire evening would be referred to as “A Night of Crystal.”

Trump himself could not be reached for comment about either story, as he was spending the day playing golf at the Trump International Golf Club, in West Palm Beach. For this occasion, Trump allowed the press pool to accompany him onto the course. New York Times reporter Michael Grynbaum noted that Trump played generally well, but in the end, he couldn’t seem to get out of the bunker.