Yellin Announces Federal Reserve Plan to Tackle Grade Inflation

Washington, DC (The Daily Livermoron)

Federal Reserve Chairwoman Janet Yellin announced today that the Federal Reserve would shortly take aggressive steps to curb grade inflation in schools nationwide.

As part of her announcement, Yellin outlined the parameters of the issue, and how it negatively affects national productivity.

“Grade inflation insidiously erodes educational value, such that the effort expended to obtain a “B-” in past years is enough for a student to receive, not ‘earn,’ just receive, an “A.”

Paul Krugman, the Nobel Prize winning economist and columnist for the New York Times, objected strongly to Yellin’s announcement in a column on Thursday, stating that “putting the brakes” on education to bring down grade inflation would be too hard on students at exactly the same time that so many are struggling to attend college at all.

“The Fed’s actions in this area would be counter-productive to achieving the goal of broader educational opportunity for all. Historically, grade inflation has benefitted the student debtor class, while strong moves to bring down inflation will only help the creditor-predator class, who certainly don’t need any help these days.”

Yellin’s plan calls for the Federal Reserve to tighten credit in the student aid market, until the grade distribution reaches a more acceptable bell curve.

William Greider, author of “Secrets of the Temple,” a history of the Federal Reserve, noted that previous administrations had applied political pressure to previous Fed Chairmen, with no success.

“Nixon was the first president to try to deal with this, when the Ivy League embargo happened in the early 70s; they wouldn’t take anyone below a 3.8 average, and he already hated those assholes anyway, but he couldn’t stop them.”

Grade inflation has been running at historic highs in recent years, according to academic researchers, with the average GPA accelerating upwards at all levels of education.

“Remember the “Gentleman’s C?” asked Mr. Greider. “Today it’s more like an A-.”

A coalition of valedictorians and Law Review editors has protested the Fed’s plan as well, stating that it would undermine their efforts to reach the top of their classes.

“I had my father donate a library to my school, get on the Board of Directors, and force that dickhead Freshman English professor to re-assess my final paper in order to get me to the top,” stated Madison Gerichter, who topped the 2015 class at Northwestern University, and is heading to Yale Law School. “If everybody suddenly has to earn their grades through classwork, all that effort to gain additional influence would have been pointless.”