If Trump had Given the Gettysburg Address
Would its Legacy be Resonance or Regurgitation?
The parody below was inspired by “The Gettysburg Address in Eisenhowese”, published by the New Republic in 1957. Though printed anonymously, it was written by Oliver Jensen, a co-founder of American Heritage and later its editor. He tried to capture Eisenhower, whose muddled, rambling speaking style belied a keen intelligence. I needed more room than Jensen for the muddled, rambling style of the pustulant imbecile Trump. Among other patterns, I tried to capture how he can’t speak for more than a short paragraph without mindlessly repeating something.
It was written before Trump petulantly fired Rex Tillerson. William Seward’s eight years as Secretary of State included accompanying Lincoln to Gettysburg for the speech in November, 1863.
Trump’s Address at the National Soldiers’ Cemetery Dedication
Wow! What a crowd! A massive crowd, this is a massive field of people. I look out, the field is, it looks like a million easy, a million and a half people! But we all know what the Fake Newspapers will print, right? These are really, really dishonest people and they’re bad people! They’ll write: Donald Trump did not draw well… I’ll show them a daguerreotype later if they’d like. But not one taken from very unflattering — certain angles, or that were taken early.
This is the largest audience to ever witness a speech, period! And probably almost everybody here voted for me back in ’60, one of the great victories ever. If I was going to take a vote on this field now, I’d get one and a half, maybe two million to nothing! If you deduct the three to five million people who voted illegally last time, I’ll have such a tremendous victory next year. Unpresidented, almost unanimous. And this is an amazing honer for me.
So as you folks all know, in fourteen-seventy-two our fathers sailed the ocean and bought first on this continent, a new nation, surrounded by water. Big water! Ocean water! It’s a big ocean, it’s a very big ocean. That nation was dedicated to the oppo…the proposition that all men are created equal. But our five fathers were spending on not the best people. They were spending on people that had lots of problems. Crime. Laudanum addicts. Rapists. And some, I assume, were good people.
But we still have some bad hombres here, and such nasty women, and we’re going to get them out! We’re going to have a thing called extreme wetting. And if people want to come in, we’re going to know who they are. There’s going to be extreme wetting. Have you heard that expression used before? I mean I just, I came up with those two new words a couple of days ago and I thought it was good.
Now we are engaged in a great Civil War. If you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why is there the Civil War? Why could this one not have been worked out? I think there’s blame on both sides. On both sides! I mean Andrew Jackson is really angry that he sees what is happening. Great president, fantastic guy. Most people don’t even know he’s a Republican, right? Does anyone know? Let’s take out an ad so people will know that!
Anyway, we are meat on a great battle-field of that war and I have to tell you, I know more about the Civil War than the generals do! I understand things, I comprehend very well, OK. Better than, I think almost anybody! Believe me, I’m like a smart person. I have a very good brain, my last Phrenology exam said the bumps on my head are perfect!
We have come to dedicate a portion of this field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that our nation might live. But you know, I don’t like losers. BAD! Lightweights. SAD! “He’s a war hero because…” Well, I’m not, well, I think…I’m not saying, I’m quoting: “He’s a war hero because he was killed”. I like people that weren’t killed or captured, OK.
It is altogether fitting and proper that we should dedicate a portion of this field. By the way, I haven’t been given massive credit for it yet, for bringing the newest state into our Union. Those mountaineers broke off from Virginia all because of me! I mean it’s not like a bragging thing, I’m just saying. And they’re sitting on top of a thousand-year, rich supply of coal! Now, I’d ask whether or not you think we should use a portion of those Appalachian mountains in our new state to someday build monuments to our great presidents. But the Fake Newspapers will write: Trump thinks he should be on a mountain in East Virginia, isn’t that terrible? So I won’t say it, OK.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate this ground. Unlike some all-talk and no-action politician — no, no, I’m not talking about our wonderful Secretary of State, who’s here with me today. Great guy, fantastic guy. But most politicians would take it the word “dedicate” and add lots of words here that mean the same thing. You won’t hear me repeating flowery words, that I can tell you. I’m very highly educated. I went to one of the Colonial Colleges, which are highly, highly respected schools! I know words, I have the best words! I have the best but there’s no better word than stupid for most politicians, right? Can you think of a better one, Mr. Secretary?
The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, shall covfefe this ground. Believe me, it was a disaster. A total disaster, far above our poor power to add or detract. Worse than the carnage of the Bowling Green Massacre! But, frankly, on a scale of one to ten, if I was asked to grade the White House response to both disasters, I’d say it was a ten. I give myself a ten.
The Fake News will little note, nor long remember what I say here. They are totally dishonest people, absolute scum, scum with alternative facts! But you can never forget what I did. I think I’ve made a lot of sacrifices, built great structures. I’ve had just…such a tremendous, tremendous success. I’m really rich! I mean part of the beauty of me is that I’m very, very rich.
The failing New York Times — they don’t know how to write good. There still dedicated to unfinished work. They would still rather have a career politicion up here, repeating himself with nobly advanced blather about “honered dead” and “devolution”. But nobody writes Donald Trump’s speeches, nobody! Not my Low-Energy Secretary of State. Or even Little Stephen Douglas, who’s actually done an amazing job but is not being recognized anymore, I notice. Or Abraham Lincoln. A great friend of mine, good guy, even if he’s back in Springfield, still covering up for the way his Missus likes to guzzle laudanum. After reading that a star, a total star, had been invited to perform here today, he wrote me what he probably thinks is a very beautiful letter. Well, sorry folks, I have to start calling him Lyin’ Abe again!
This is not a government of the people. George Washington should have never used “We the people” when he wrote the Declaration of Independence. We the people, right? Give me a break! “You the people” do ordain the swamp! When will all you haters and fools out there realize that nobody runs a more rigged, crooked system than myself?
This is not a government by the people. Sorry losers and total leightweights, but Phrenology proves my intelligence! The bumps on my skull are perfect — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure. It’s not your fault that you all deserve to, to be, put in Russia, OK, with all the other peasants.
This is not a government for the people. Save the Union? Make America Great Again? I just wanted to make the Trump brand great again. So maybe Little Abe got that part right. You can fool some of the people, the idiots, all the time!
You here must highly resolve that these dead losers shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under me, shall have a new birth and the powers of the president shall not be questioned!
And I guess I can’t be doing so badly because I’m still President and you’re not. And I’ll admit it, I will try and fornicate with your Missus, as long as she’s not a big fat, disgusting pig, or some other barnyard animal. I’ll move on her very heavily if she’s got the full teats and everything! Even if she’s had an issue of blood coming out of her…wherever.
I’m like a magnet, right. And when you’re the president, they let you do it. Grab ’em where the stallion enters the broodmare. You can do anything when you’re der F…the leader! Any resistance will be broken ruthlessly, I will tolerate no opposition! And my nation, OK, shall not perish from the earth.
