Stop It With This Divisive Rhetoric Before People Start Thinking I’m a Race Traitor

Look, I understand. I, too, wanted America to elect its first lady president. But Donald Trump won the white vote fair and square, and I think it’s time we accept that that means he’s going to be our next President. The sooner we stop engaging in hateful, anti-racist rhetoric and start finding ways that maybe this could be a good thing, the sooner we can all get on with our lives and keep ignoring things like mass incarceration, police brutality, and surveillance.

As somebody who loves this country unconditionally, I really don’t understand why some people insist on saying that everyone who voted for Donald Trump is okay with racism. Like me, many Trump voters find racism to be disgusting, which is why we spend so much time ignoring it. If we liberals keep on pointing fingers at the people who elected Donald Trump, those people might not invite me to their summer homes anymore.

Don’t get me wrong: I feel for all of the undocumented immigrants and people of color whose lives are going to get a little bit more difficult over the next few years, but that doesn’t mean they need to make my life difficult, too. If all of my liberal friends take to the streets, people are going to start thinking I’m a race traitor, which would hurt my feelings. And it’s just wrong-headed, because I don’t see race!

The real solution is to reach across the aisle and try to understand why somebody might value vague promises of national success over the real, actual lives of women and minorities. When you think about it that way, their votes makes sense and aren’t racist at all!

After all, if somebody offered you a non-union job in a manufacturing plant, wouldn’t you be willing to let a few black people die in exchange? It’s not that you hate black people or anything, it’s just that you really, really want that job. I, of course, have no need for a non-union job in a manufacturing plant (I am a professional writer, as you can tell), so that’s why I voted for Hillary.

It’s a difficult choice!

Honestly, if you’re so scared for people of color, immigrants, refugees, LGBTQ people, women, the elderly, the disabled, and all of those other weird people, the best way to protect them is not to riot, it’s to be civically engaged. All you have to do is pick up your phone, call your senators, and tell them what sort of laws you want them to write. Or you can talk to them in-person when you drop your kids off for golf lessons at the country club, which is what I do. Either way works, though! If that’s too much effort, consider signing my petition, “Ask Donald Trump to say that he is not racist.”

All I ask is that you do not take to the streets or start forming anything that looks like a real political resistance. My friends know that I voted for Hillary, and I don’t want them thinking that I’m a sore loser (I’m not! In fact, I’m such a good loser that I don’t care how far ahead Hillary ends up in the popular vote. Like I said, I know that Trump won the white vote, and I’m content to leave it at that).

Look, the bottom line is that if my friends see me sharing articles about racism or even getting involved with a political organization, they might start to think that I care about justice and equality more than I care about our friendships. And how are we supposed to win them over if we continuously make them confront their implicit biases? No, the best way to win this thing is to let all of the people who voted for Trump know that we love them, no matter what.

[In case you couldn’t tell… this is satire.]