Echoes of an Infinite Heartbeat: Music as the Pulse of Identity
Music has always seeped through every part of my being.
It’s been the backbone of my entire existence. I can’t remember a time when I haven’t been completely in awe of what it’s capable of. I obsess over artists, pour over their histories, listen to their material endlessly, and dissect their creativity — all in an attempt to better understand it sonically and where they may have been mentally while creating it.
Music colors every part of my day, adding texture to fit whatever mood is present.
It is rare that I don’t have something playing in the background to set the scene. I get lost in it as much as I can. Almost every day some melody or music history anecdote will give me goosebumps, which I excitedly run to show my fiancé and love of my life. I feel deeply connected to something greater outside of myself when I immerse myself in music.
Listening to music and fully giving our attention is a radical act, with so many other distractions keeping us from focusing on this art form.
When you feel that new potential that life is suddenly offering up,
and you are up for hours after a rehearsal or show, riding that creative high of collaborating and connecting with others, your brain swirling with excitement.
Whether by myself or with a group, it’s an incomparable feeling to find that one new chord shape that leads to a riff and a verse/chorus pattern you can play on repeat for hours.
Bringing a song into existence seemingly out of thin air, when a melody or poetic turn of phrase just comes to you like a gift in moments while driving, running, or doing a monotonous task, and you have to immediately stop everything to make a voice memo or jot it down.
What beauty it is to create something so otherworldly that feels like an extension of our spirit.
Seeing live music reignites my need to have an instrument in my hands.
To put on a song and wear it emotionally,
like your favorite pair of shades, and feel so fucking cool in those few minutes it’s playing. That’s raw power. This openness allows music to transform us in profound ways.
Learning to love being uncomfortable by something unfamiliar.
What chords, production, lyrics, or instrumentation is making me feel that way? To understand yourself better by listening to someone else’s art.
Yes, yes, that’s it — I just didn’t have the word for it.
It’s THAT sound that I feel.
Thank you, thank you.
Feeling a songs truth, even if it’s sung in a different language that you don’t know how to speak, yet you still comprehend its inherent beauty. This truth also existing in a single note droning on for 20 minutes,
with no words at all.
There are no rules, no boundaries, no need to be boxed in by genres.
It’s simply a feeling.
Music can be in the hum of an electrical power line,
in the sound of the ocean,
in a symphony of insects at night,
or in the sound of a calming
e x h a l e.
But how does this musical understanding manifest in myself?
What events gave it shape in my life?
How did those events, in turn, shape me?
How can I use my experiences as a musician to describe emotional and behavioral patterns that have been present with me for most of my life?
It is these questions I hope to expound on in writing.
I seek to understand how my identity has changed throughout my life by using music and being a musician as the lens to do so.
Spoiler: I do not go on to become a fully realized successful rockstar.
(cue audience gasp)
This is not a story of “making it” by any means.
I never really made any money on it.
But I have been a musician now for 20 years. I am a music lifer.
I have spent countless hours, days, and months practicing, learning, collaborating, gigging, listening, traveling, and recording.
Through the years, I have been involved in over 10 bands in the local Delaware and Philadelphia area, and I’m currently in a few that I’m pretty damn proud of. I’ve had the pleasure of helping to write SO many original songs between them all (easily over 100 songs).
I’m not saying a lot of them, or any of them at all, were gold platinum hits. But any creative process can be so rewarding.
These projects have provided me with an invaluable community and some of the most memorable experiences I’ve ever had.
There are so many avenues I hope to explore in writing about all things music and my identity in relation to it. I look forward to using music as a chronological tool to explain how I was feeling internally at different points in my life. I want to be honest and show how this internal scenery influenced my relationships, addictions, sexuality, career choices, and spirituality.
In order to give a full-picture of identity and hardships, I will also discuss developing insecurities about my physical self at a young age, dealing with anxiety and depression, self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, and trying to find purpose, fulfillment, and creative worthiness.
Another spoiler: I do not go on to overcome all of these things.
(cue a more concerned audience gasp)
But I do hope to explain that becoming more aware of these habits and behaviors has assisted me in letting them go.
My reasoning for doing all of this now has been inspired by having undergone multiple major heart surgeries in my early thirties.
I hope to understand and articulate who I was as a person leading up to these traumatic health events, and how I’ve been changed after the fact. Of course, I should not speak as if things have stopped changing.
Empty phenomena rolling on.
I’m not attempting to have an inflated sense of self-importance and ego in sharing my story. These could all just be normal coming-of-age situations that everyone experiences. I have no expectations besides the hope that by writing transparently, I will have a deeper and truer understanding of myself. A deeper understanding that can assist in the process of accepting myself more fully as I face continuous serious life-changing surgical operations.
Each band I listened to and performed with throughout different chapters of my life felt like an extension of who I was at the time and informed how I felt.
People say a picture is worth a thousand words and I feel the same about music. I would consequently show these things externally too, allowing changing interests to inform how I was dressing or composing myself.
I went from being a kid in the 90s informed only by family, growing up with heavy music, nu metal, classic rock and alternative, to being a scene emo teen, to using the internet even before streaming (early dial up, baby) to find a wide range of more fringe indie music, and it kept expanding from there.
So with any band or artist I mention, I hope it’ll act as a window into what I may have been feeling emotionally, though I know this is a tricky request, as music is biased and we all have our own personal experience with it.
Right now in this moment I feel drawn to,
artrock, neo-psych, all varieties of jazz, folk revivalist, world music, eastern ragas, country, shoegaze, dream pop, quiet gentle songwriting, postpunk, lo-fi, unearthed overlooked gems, deep cuts from any decade, ambient, and anything that feels like its on the pulse of the present.
But we all should know by this point that genres are meaningless.
There has been SO many bands and artists along the way that I attached myself to in my musical journey thus far that I’ll expound on, but some I really dig currently include Amen Dunes, Pharoah Sanders, Big thief, Blake Mills, Yo La Tengo, Steve Roach, Herbie Hancock, Cate Le Bon, Bob Dylan, Laraaji, George Harrison, Prince, O Terno, Sam Gendel, Mapache, Neil Young, Miles Davis, Talking Heads, John Carol Kirby , D’Angelo, William Basinski, Can, Grateful Dead, John Prine, Nick Cave, Rodrigo Amarante, and Alabaster Deplume.
Music is not just an art form; it is a profound way to understand oneself and the world.
It has the power to reveal the innermost parts of our souls, to connect us to something greater than ourselves, and to help us navigate the complexities of life. As I continue to share my journey through music and identity, I hope to inspire others to explore their own connections with music and discover how it shapes their experiences.
In each note, chord, and lyric, there is a story waiting to be told — a story that can resonate deeply within us, bringing clarity and understanding to our own lives. Whether it’s the hum of an electrical power line, the sound of the ocean, or the symphony of insects at night, music is everywhere, inviting us to listen, feel, and connect.
As I lay the groundwork for this exploration, I am reminded of the words of Miles Davis: “Do not fear mistakes. There are none.”
In this spirit, I embrace the imperfections and uncertainties of my journey, knowing that each step is a part of the larger composition of my life.
I doubt I’ll write linearly, and I’ll probably share articles sporadically on this topic. This is laying the groundwork for how I plan to go about it, and I’m really looking forward to connecting the pieces as I go along.
May we all find the courage to delve into the music of our own lives, to listen with open hearts, and to express our truths without fear. Together, we can create a symphony of experiences that enrich and uplift us all.
❤
About the author:
I’m a 33-year-old artist and multiple heart surgery survivor. Learning to love myself while living with chronic illness. Exploring music, health, identity, spirituality, resilience, addiction, personal growth, and purpose.
If you enjoyed this piece and want to follow more of my journey, please follow my page or find me on all the socials — IG/X/Threads @bohemianaorta
