#SurvivorAU E01 and E02 Recap


It’s finally here!! AUSTRALIAN SURVIVOR!!

…Like we couldn’t even come up with a more snazzy title? I mean I get that it needed to be clear as it’s the australian version that takes place in Samoa. But, what about, I dunno, Survivor Australia: Samoa?

What would be technically accurate is this:

That’s at least creative. And catchy.

Episode One sees our three teams meet each other, fight for (Or rather, give up on) fire, land on their respective beaches and get down to business. Is it just me or do they all not seem to be very…..good at Survivor? I don’t think there’s been an American series in the last few seasons that hasn’t been able to get fire on the first day. Never mind two tribal councils later, with flint, a harvest of coconut husk and what looks like TOILET PAPER (OH NO THE ILLUSION IS SHATTERED) they still can’t get a decent fire going. Never mind, in this little recap you’ll find plenty of SICK BURNS…

ENTER THE JLAP

Just backtracking a bit to discuss the casting of Jonathan La Not-Probstaglia as the host. By all accounts he ticks the right boxes:

Bear Gryllls-y weathered but ruggedly handsome face? Check. Television friendly beard? Check. Commentary during challenges that could be the punchline of a ‘Great Derrs Of History’ gag? Check.

However he lacks the energy, commitment and enthusiasm Jeff Probst (The ever excitable host of Real Survivor). Which had me sighing all the way through the first weekend.

Where’s our beloved dimple-faced shark-tooth-wearing champion of chambray? I’m still adjusting to this loss, and Jonathan’s presence just seems so…hollow and flimsy.

Almost as hollow and flimsy as the very shoddy looking sets. I know that they’ve put in a bunch of money into it and while everything does have the feel of Real Survivor, all the way down to the rapid zooms and slow motion looks of contestants faces covered in sand, but surely some set dresser somewhere could DIY that shit with some spray paint or a buffing sponge and make it look real purdy. Instead it looks like they just pinched all the games from when the Real Survivor went to Samoa. You know the saying, if it doesn’t work with gaffer tape, you’re not using enough. Solid effort from the Australian Survivor production team there.

Speaking of sets and props, can we talk about The Immunity Toothpick please?

I feel those feels, JLap

Lookatthisthing. It’s very underwhelming. It was wobbling in the wind it’s so spindly. I reckon in a tight spot the tribes would think more than twice about splitting it and using it for firewood. In fact Zac Efron (Rohan) is so dense he’d do it without thinking. That’s ok, he does most things without thinking.

Let’s check in with our main players and the tribes for this season:

Aganoa AKA Trevor Noah

Des: I’m like a Kung Fu Panda. Lee: Mate have you checked out my cum gutters.

God I hate the nerds on this tribe already. Evan. Kristie. Settle down.

Rohan-dumb-as-a-box-of-coconut-husk can’t even lie for more than 2 seconds. Mate, follow Evan’s lead! Yes we got fire and a palatial shelter! No you can’t see it! How hard is that?

But also Evan seems utterly insufferable, like the kind of kid that would ask you if you were best friends but you really aren’t and it’s not a mutual thing and you have to let them down gently but they still cry and their mum talks to your mum and then you have to hang out and the whole process starts again.

Vavau

Nick demonstrates how one can be on the Chopping Block

AKA Hufflepuff. Yes. We are all thinking it. And no, we’re not above it.

WHY I LAUGH?

Actually a very nice tribe. Sue and Nick are out the gate early personality-wise. I like Nick. It’s better for someone in Survivor to have greatness thrust upon them then assume they’re great without earning it. (See: Des, Bianca)

Oh and BTW…Who is Jennah Louise? She has two names but no voice? She’s in the credits but she’s not in the show? Where are ya mate?

Saanapu AKA Snafu

Those. BITCHES.

First case of this season’s Survivor Mean Girls — Flick and Brooke. They don’t seem to invite the laser focus of Bianca on to them, but at the same time they don’t hide their budding friendship. This tribe we’ve gotten to know a little better, but it’s following a very well-trodden path of Survivor strategy. It’s always the hotties that get together first. So the outsiders that learn the game quicker and meaner as they have to fight from the get-go. That means come the merge all the buff guys will start having targets on their back instead of girls on their arms.

I’ve got a soft spot for Conner. He wants to be there SO BAD. So of course he burns his hand first thing. He also looks like his allergies are acting up. He’s cute.

Sam though, wooooooof.

His last name is Webb. Hence the tattoo. He’s never watched a full episode of the show. But I’m not going to think about that too much and instead focus on his dreamy siberian husky eyes.

This is fiiiiiiine.

Tribal Council #1

The first Tribal was always going to be a test. And Des failed. Des, mate, Kung Fu Panda you are clearly not. Go home and give your missus a kiss. You were too little, too late. You could have been one of those people that is so irritating that you could have made the end, if someone took it upon themselves to keep you around as Final Three Fodder, but no, your inability to be generous and try to care about the people around you kept you from that.

Tribal Council #2

Snafus losing the challenge was a surprise. They got too cocky. Then they got real trigger happy. My bet is that they’ve all been waiting to play for so long they blew their load early and started scheming before they needed to. Pete was on a platter literally covering himself in gravy and they sent off a reasonably normal able-bodied person that was clearly totes devvo’ed to go.

For a private investigator trying to grab ‘intel’ it was clear Bianca was in the dark.

Guys, seriously, you kill off your sick and elderly. You’re going against human nature now. You idiots will clearly lose the next Immunity, and you deserve it.

Finally…Barry.

HI. APPARENTLY I EXIST.

12 minutes into the second episode we finally get a talking head from Barry.

Barry’s cold guys. Poor Barry.

AAAAND BACK TO THE FIREFIGHTER, UH-GAIN.

Kylie. KYLIE KYLIE KYLIE. Did she mention she has three kids???

SUMMARY

Call Medical Tally: 0

Evacuation Tally: 0

“Got nothing for you, head back to camp” Tally: 0

Blindside Tally: 1

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