Prices and Benefits

Prices. Are they worth it? When I go shopping for clothes or decorations for the house, that is fun for me. I don’t think about the price I pay for the goods. I just think about the goods themselves and the joy they will bring to me. How they will make me feel as I look at them or wear them daily. They really do make me feel good every day. So the price was worth every penny.

However there are some things for which I have paid a steep price, and continue to pay, for which I have seen so little in return. So little dividends. So little benefits. So little goods. So little joy. My life has been the price. My joy. My freedom. Every day. Medication. Ridicule. Judgement. Numbness. Coercion. Misunderstanding.

And what have I received in return? Great understanding. Great knowledge. But I cannot seem to hold onto these. They elude me. The longer I take the medication, the more time that elapses, the further they slip away from me. So are they really mine to keep? Do I enjoy every day these gifts for which I have paid so dearly? I have to work to do so. I don’t always have the energy. It is not as easily enjoyed as the home decor I bought.

But maybe it’s a similar principle. In order to enjoy the home decor, I must appreciate it. I must remember how I felt before I added it to the home, and recognize the hole it now fills. The space, the void that was there before that now it beautifies by its presence. I also think about how I felt when I saw it in the store. How I knew that I wanted it. That particular piece. It meant the world to me. I would pay the price to bring it home. I knew it was just the right piece that I had been looking for.

Is that how God feels about me? But I am the one paying the price! Not Him! I know He paid the price in the atonement. But I don’t feel that. Every day. All I feel is the pain of my price. Every day. I realize that the reason I don’t feel it is because of me, and not because He has not paid the price. There was a period of time that lasted for weeks where I did feel that I was being carried every day. I saw things opened to my view that I never saw before. That I never considered. I saw God in everything. Every day. It was exhilarating! I looked forward to every single day of life to see what new things would be opened to my view. I enjoyed every moment of every day. I was happy! Happier than I have ever been in my life. I felt I was living God’s type of life. Eternal life. Is that what I paid for? Is that the good? Is that the dividend?

How do I hold onto it? It has eluded me. How do I enjoy this type of life every day? It’s not the same as the home decor, which is here, ready to be appreciated. All I need do is look and love it. I feel like the gift of eternal life that I have found must be continually sought after. It is not always readily available for my view and enjoyment. Or is it and I just don’t recognize it? Do I push it away or cover it up somehow? If so, then how? I want to stop doing that. I want so badly to enjoy every day this great and wonderful gift for which I have paid my life!

Perhaps just as by opening my eyes I see the beauty around me, I need to open my spiritual eyes to see the spiritual wonders God is ready and waiting to show me every day. I think it is my doubts and fears that crowd and cloud my vision. So faith must override these to clear my vision. Hold onto faith. God created the merchandise. He and I have paid the price for it. Now open my eyes and feel the joy that God intends for me.

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