Real Talk About Self Care

Self care is actually a lot of work, and it’s work you need to do. Your sanity depends on it. Your personal relationships depend on it. Your success depends on it. It’s not just for you. It’s for the people who love you.

Self care. Face masks and wine it is not, contrary to what marketing campaigns would have you believe. The image of a tired woman finally relaxing at the end of a long day, in the bath with her sheet mask and glass of rosé, makes for a great advertisement, but hear me when I tell you that it is a lie. I tried it. I told myself, I’m just going to do something I want to do: drink this glass (ahem, bottle) of wine and wear this sheet mask on my face while I watch the latest episode of Riverdale. Not that Cole Sprouse isn’t a tasty snack, but sitting there watching kids half my age while trying a product that promised to de-age me while drinking an aged chardonnay was only helping me avoid my problems instead of confront them.

I couldn’t get into the show, because I couldn’t relate to the characters. I was a grown ass woman who had been through some shit, and I simply didn’t have the patience to relive my teenage years — or some bizarre, comic book version of them (no offense, writers of Riverdale). And while the Jughead character is arguably the dreamiest (no, really), my brain could never forget that this was the little kid who played Ross Gellar’s son on Friends 20 years ago.

The sheet masks had negligible effects on my skin, and the wine interrupted my sleep. In my quest for “self care,” I was just spending money and wasting time. I had fallen into a trap. Before I offend someone, let me say that there is nothing wrong with a good face mask, glass of wine, or TV show (GOT 4ever). I still enjoy these things. I just don’t expect them to solve my problems. In fact, they were very useful in helping me avoid dealing with my problems at all.

So, what is self care? I had to show myself some tough love. Some real talk. (Busy Philipps appeared to me in a dream and very compassionately told me to get my shit together.) This is what I told myself.

1. Get your ass to the gym.

After becoming a mom, I dropped my workouts completely. I was still carrying around 10 lbs of baby weight, and as a result, I had less energy and lower self-esteem. I had given up, accepting the myth that this was what moms looked like. This was what 40 year old women looked like. This was my fate. Snap out of it, I told myself, and committed myself to running again. I carved out three half hour slots per week, and willed myself to run, or jog, or whatever I could manage, no matter how tired I was or how crappy I felt. One year later, I have lost 10 pounds, I sleep better, feel better, and carry myself with more confidence. And I don’t need those face masks anymore, because running has given my skin a natural glow. Three half hour slots per week. (Sometimes only two. Sometimes I walked.) And, it’s free.

2. Read a goddamn book. (Get yourself a library card, a book club, or some other intellectual stimulation that actually challenges you, just for you.)

What are your interests? Do you even remember after putting everything and everyone else above them for so long? I didn’t. I was lost. I was at the airport with my husband debating between a celebrity memoir (I love you, Busy Philipps) or one of the year’s award-winning novels (An American Marriage). My husband looked at me skeptically, accurately (if annoyingly) recalling the fact that I rarely read novels, and recommended the memoir. Proving him wrong has always been motivation enough for me (love you, babe). I read both and haven’t stopped reading since. I joined a book club. I got a library card. I rediscovered an old love: reading, analyzing, and discussing books. Losing myself in another world. Developing empathy for people from vastly different backgrounds from myself. Bonus: reading is also free.

3. Go to therapy.

I had some issues to work through. I had buried them for as long as I could remember, always making excuses or convincing myself I was “fine.” There never seemed to be enough time to process; only to DO (sound familiar?). But the reality is that I did have time (see above blocks of time spent drinking wine and watching Riverdale). I had an hour a week. I had health insurance. I just had to make it a priority. So, I did. I committed to going to therapy once a week. It is hard work to look your issues in the face and work through them — to admit that, despite your best efforts, you are not fine. You have gone through some trauma at some point in your life (everyone has), and if you don’t deal with it, it is not just you who suffers. It’s everyone who loves you. Do you care about them? Yes? Then go. Because working through that invisible but heavy burden you carry around with you is incredibly liberating, and you will feel lighter and more energetic and more able to invest in others when you do.

4. Go the F to sleep.

You’ll likely find that the above three things will lend themselves to better sleep, but you still have to make time to actually sleep. There is no reward for depriving yourself of sleep every night, and I will never understand why people brag about this or wear it as a selfless badge of honor. It’s not. Go to bed and stop acting so cranky.

That’s it. Self care in four simple steps, most of them free. But, they all require discipline and hard work. If you can do this work, everyone around you will benefit. Self care is not just for you. It’s for the people who love you. So, f*cking do it!