“It’s 4:23 in the morning and I’m sipping my black coffee.
It’s strange because its feels like just yesterday I felt nothing and today the whole universe’s weight is crushing down on my shoulder. Is this how love actually feels like?
Maybe I shut myself for so long that I have actually forgotten how to love myself or give love back to people. I’ve heard people talk that love is something you can share with someone if you can first give it to yourself, and things related to that. All love ever seemed crystal to me was that it only makes you weak and breaks you when it breaks. I remember those nights as a fifteen-year-old when a simple text or call would melt the heart straight away and I’d enter different spectrum, forming floods of smiles until it hurt my cheek. Why did I feel that way? Was it because I was weak or just prone to bad boys who would bathe you with words you desperately wanted to hear.
Fifteen years later, after battling a lot of war and fights, I believed I’m STRONGER in ways I could never even dream of. But life’s a circle in a way I hear, and I’m back to point one, ten steps back, and counting. Slipping away as I finish my coffee and harder to breathe. The sun is now starting to shine brightly, leaping from cracks to holes, dancing on the flowers and on my skin. I look down at the dogs making love and children running to catch the ride to school, angry drivers scuffing as the children grab seats. There’s beauty in everything, the simple things in life which we miss most when we last blink but all I see is, the dogs which will die of cold or hunger, the kids who would grow up to be thieves and get their hearts broken by some boy or girl they fall for and the men that would die knowing that all they achieved in life was driving buses to school.
Nothing seems heavenly to me and I’m feeling this sharp pain in my chest or somewhere, which I can’t seem to locate. I don’t want to panic. I don’t know what is the cause. I’m feeling lost and confused. The man I seem to be missing isn’t the gem I dream of. Is it really me going over everything I’ve been warned about or that I’m addicted to drama and I just won’t quit.
I hear laughter and it’s my baby girl calling out for milk and cookies. Yes, I’m a proud mother of a six-year-old and a just fling to the man who left me for another.
I’ve been telling myself it’s going to be okay and I’m strong enough to handle two beautiful souls and it’s been one crazy ride. Fidelity is something I take up as a challenge but sometimes it gets hard. I think about life and how I’ve come so far without any instructions and rules and why is that now I think I’ve finally found the man who would stand by me and my baby and it’s love while promising myself about not making the same mistakes.
The pain is stronger now and I rush for the facility room, I look down, I’m BLEEDING, lost another soul.
Dialing his phone. “It’s out of service.”