The woman whose date pulled a gun on her.

Boobs and A Job Interview #1

Boobs and a Job is a project started by Erika Strong and Fiona Rupert. We’re trying to understand how online dating is affecting the lives and perspectives of women, and are interviewing 200 women in the San Francisco area. We’ll be sharing real stories every week, which have been edited and condensed for clarity.

S is a 27 year old woman who works in Administration. This is her story.

“I really don't think I am Bumble material” — S.

I’ve been online dating in San Francisco for one year, and I did online dating in New York for one year. I mostly use it for casual sex, super simple dating, and making friends. I met my ex and we were together three years, so I guess that was a success story that I did meet somebody. And since moving here, I have definitely made a lot of friends.

I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about my boundaries and sexuality and what I want in a relationship. The downside, is I have put myself at risk, and I’ve had some seriously dangerous encounters. I’ve had people assault me. Some pretty weird stuff has happened, although thankfully nothing dangerous has happened in San Francisco.

A dude pulled a gun on me, and he was coked out, and I wasn’t trusting my instincts even though I knew something was off. We met outside of this bar, and he didn’t want to go in. It was in my neighborhood in Brooklyn, so I said okay and we ended up going straight to his place. He was playing on his phone a lot. I asked if I should leave, and he said he needed a friend. When I looked down to the left at the coffee table I saw that it was covered in coke. He said he owes drug dealers a lot of money. As I try and leave he goes back into his room and pulls a gun out.

He said, “I am going to teach you a lesson: you’re a slut. You are just coming here to fuck me, and how dare you think you know yourself. You think you know your sexuality, you think you’re doing something good. I am going to teach you a lesson.”

I don’t quite know how but I talked him out of killing me. It was really scary. I walked out of the apartment and shared the elevator with these drug dealers that were on their way to go and get him. I told myself, “Like you know what, you had a fucking feeling. Don’t trust this dude, don’t believe him.” And I was really sad, and I was in a bad mood and I realized, “You know what, I need to listen to myself better.” So when I am feeling emotional I don’t go on Tinder and I don’t go on OkCupid because I realize I am not in my right mind and it’s important to listen to yourself.

I have learned to trust my instincts, that’s the number one thing.

If I was to sit down and say I had a goal, it would be to have really good sex, and connect with people. I want to be honest about what I want. I came from a very religious background and I was raised Muslim, and used to wear a hijab. I used to be in a very serious community. I departed from that. A big part of me was being repressed sexually.

When I first started online dating it was just this sort of release.

At this point a lot of friends ask me for advice on their online dating profiles. I think I am really good at understanding what ways someone is hiding who they are, what things they are really telling you when they are using coded language. There are definitely red flags.

My parents are an anomaly, they’re like a fairy tale story. My dad still buys my mom roses, and they are very much in love. But because of that they think everyone else operates that way, the whole world operates that way.

And so, I was raised thinking “there is going to be a prince charming,” but no.

I think online dating can be really empowering for women, when they understand that they have the opportunity to just be a bad-ass, just be like fuck you, I am not assigning myself to your standards, whatever standards they may be, I think it can be very empowering. If I can say just a little bit of advice I always tell my friends, who are just like, “I don’t really want to do it.” The first thing I tell myself every time I go on a date, right before I walk in, I remind myself, “You don’t need this”, and I have the best date of my life, and everything is fine.

-S