Away From Home: The Challenges of Social Anxiety
Facing a year of hardship through personal growth at Plowshare Farm
Trigger warning: this article contains mentions of anxiety and depression.
Have you ever found yourself spending a year or more away from the cozy comforts of home? I’m sure most of you have.
During the period from summer 2021 to 2022, I had a unique opportunity — spending an entire year as a volunteer at Plowshare Farm in Greenfield, New Hampshire.
Plowshare Farm is what they call a Camphill community, and its mission is all about providing support and care to adults with intellectual disabilities.
What is a Camphill community, you ask? No problem! Here’s a quick overview.
A brief history of Camphill Communities
Founded by Rudolf Steiner
Camphill communities are amazing places where people with developmental and intellectual disabilities can experience a strong sense of belonging, personal development, and the happiness of living life together. Picture them as comfy, purposeful neighborhoods where individuals live, learn, and collaborate, fostering a friendly and inclusive ambiance for everyone, no matter their abilities.
Life Sharing
Lifesharing in Camphill is when a bunch of folks decide to live together, just like one big, supportive family. It’s not only about sharing a house, but about sharing life itself — the highs, the lows, and everything in between. In a typical Camphill home, you’ll find the house holders, their children, some young volunteers, and residents with disabilities all living together. Everyone has their own personal space, of course, but the real magic happens when we all come together, especially at mealtimes. Nourishing, homemade meals hold great importance — it’s when we exchange stories, bond, and draw strength from one another’s company.
Alright, now that you’ve got a glimpse into what Camphill is all about, let’s dive into the story!
How it all began
Now I am writing this from the perspective of someone who experiences social anxiety. This article reflects my personal struggles and how I navigate them. While I will touch on positive aspects, the main focus of this post will revolve around my experiences and coping strategies with anxiety.
After graduating with a B.S. in Library Science, I decided to pursue my own adventure by combining my passion for libraries and volunteering. Growing up in a Camphill community, I developed a strong desire to experience the fulfilling aspect of giving back.
So after countless applications to various Camphill’s around the world, I decided to try out Plowshare Farm, one of the communities located in New Hampshire. The reason for this is simple — I had family friends living there, and it was an area I was familiar with.
So, of course, I thought, “Since it’s not too far away and in the countryside, I’ll be close to people I know and the community will be small. It’ll be a piece of cake to get to know everyone and have a great time!”
Wrong.
Why, you ask?
The first week was like a honeymoon; everything was smooth sailing. I got to hang out with my friends, tried making new ones, learned the ropes, and put myself out there! But as the weeks went by, things got tougher. Being an introvert, big social gatherings stress me out. I cherish my quiet alone time. And to top it off, I struggle with social anxiety. So what do you think happened? I started getting scared, anxious, and nervous. It only got harder as time passed by. Who would have guessed that fitting in could be this challenging? Well, deep down, I knew it, but I thought I was ready to embrace the adventure of this year.
But I wasn’t about to back down. I kept pushing myself, determined to make it work. This experience was my chance to grow and become more independent, away from the comfort of my family.
How did I manage to deal with it all?
Well, I made some amazing friends during my time there, and I was lucky to have such cool fellow volunteers. They always made sure I was included in the fun activities outside of work, and it was truly enjoyable. However, when things became challenging, I found comfort in spending time alone and diving into the pages of a captivating book.
Interestingly enough, on the toughest days, I would experience periods of depression and would find relief indulging in snacks, watching movies, and isolating myself in my room during my days off. There were even times when I sought refuge with family friends who lived nearby, seeking a break from the farm and everything else. Being with them always brightened my week and gave me the strength to overcome difficulties.
Did it get better?
Well, yeah, kind of. I mustered up the courage to speak to my ‘bosses’, or as we call them, ‘householders’, and told them how I was feeling. Surprisingly, things did improve a bit from there. I started having more fun, laughing more, and taking more risks. I even started trusting the people around me and was doing pretty well.
Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I had the absolute worst time over there. In fact, I had some pretty amazing experiences. I surprised myself by becoming more assertive and even started joining in on group activities outside of volunteering. I gradually stopped hiding away in my room and made an effort to take better care of my health. And you know what? For a while, everything was going really well.
The relationships I formed with the adults I supported and my fellow volunteers were truly special. I genuinely felt their care and support, which meant a lot to me. However, despite this, the whole experience was far from easy. I found myself constantly torn between the decision to stay or leave. It became an ongoing battle that lasted for months.
What was my decision?
Ultimately, I made the challenging choice to leave a little earlier than anticipated. Honestly, not everyone was thrilled about it. There were some unhappy faces among the crowd.
‘So you’re abandoning us,’ my boss/householder said, when I explained my desire for leaving.
These were the exact words spoken during that meeting, and the way he said it is still etched in my memory.
I was at a loss for words. I mean, yeah, I did feel bad about it, but I couldn’t stay there. It just wasn’t the right fit for me.
My other householder (his wife) made a strong effort to convince me to stay. She persistently advised me to think it over, warning me that I might regret my decision once I left. Despite repeatedly expressing my need to leave, they continued to press the issue.
As you are aware, I chose to leave, and I have no regrets regarding my decision. What was important to me was putting my well-being and personal development first. I did undergo significant growth during my time there, which was my primary goal for that year.
So yeah, that’s how my yearly adventure unfolded. As you can see, it wasn’t a piece of cake. Nevertheless, I pushed through, faced each challenge head-on, and now, here I am confidently recounting my journey to you!
