The Funion: Volume 1 Issue 1

I know. A brand new newspaper. I can’t believe that crap either.

Photo by Burhan Rexhepi on Unsplash

Man Unable to Save 15% or More on His Student Loans

Local Ohioan, or whatever the fuck they’re called, Randall Ballsinbrack, made a bold attempt to cut down on his overwhelming monthly student loan payments last Friday afternoon, which unfortunately failed for him in quite spectacular fashion. “I just kept seeing that lizard guy on the TV, and I thought you know, Randall old boy, you’re not getting any younger there you know. You gotta do something to get these loans stable. That there interest rate in just throwing you down the gutter drain. You want to live with that bitch of a mother in law of yours forever? The stupid thing is I don’t even use my degree in everyday life. If I knew the economy was going to crash back in O-6, and after a whole fricken decade later I still wouldn’t get back on my feet there, I would’ve never majored in economics.”

Unable to get a hold of the popular, famous and quite well known Geico gecko, Randall managed to speak to Becky for over a half hour about trying to lower his student loan payments to a more manageable amount, like $20 a month. “You know, she had just the sweetest tone to her voice, you know, the kind of tone that she was pretty in the looks department, but I was upset at the fact that Geico doesn’t take over or offer student loan payments in anyway, shape or form. Sure, she said she’d love to look over rates on insuring my vehicle and she hoped I had a most pleasant experience and a great day, and that I’d take the survey at the end of the call, but she kept dodging the bullet of the matter. I need a president that can take a shot like a man and fire them right back, you know? The highest rate I could give her was deeply somewhat unsatisfied.”

Randall hasn’t been the first caller Geico received from people thinking they could lower their student loan payments. “I just don’t get these people,” the Gecko’s personal PR rep Nancy stated to us, speaking on his behalf. “Where do our commercials mention anything about student loans? Do they know how to read and listen properly? I would hope so if they have college degrees.”

Geico’s hold times have went up so much since the recent onslaught of student loan calls that they’ve been considering doubling the number of customer service representatives at their call centers to handle the extra calls. “We just don’t know what to do with all these callers anymore,” Jim Jimingtons, Senior Junior Assistant Section L Call Quality Manager, night shift at the Minneapolis center stated. “We’ve tried transferring calls to Sally Mae, who simply transfer the calls right back to us like the unhelpful bitches they are that refuse to do anything to help lower my own rates. I hate my job here. I was supposed to be a music therapist, damn it. It’s what the commercials told me I could be. Oh shit, my break is ending soon. Do you mind not printing that last part about me hating my job? The Senior Assistant Section L Call Quality Manager, night shift, will fire me for sure. I need thebenefits like you wouldn’t believe.”

Geico customer service representatives have been told to tell callers that, “I heard Esurance will save you money in minutes, or something. I don’t know. Their time frame and savings amount is so vague and all around unprofessional. I’ll be transferring you over now…”

Nation in Shock as Apple Pie Commits Treason and Aids in Terrorist Attack

Sources confirm that every single god damned person in the United States is in mourning this morning as firefighters work double overtime to put out the flames and help those in need at Napa Valley. The first firebomb, fired at 8:15 A.M., took out an exact estimated thousand or so grapes, I think anyways, leaving the Addams winery visitors and workers in a state of complete, utter, insane panic.

The owner, Samuel J Lemons, was the first one to see the instigator of the attack. “After the first blast, I was flabbergasted. I had spilled my fresh, succulent and refreshing glass of our one hundred percent pure grape/strawberry fusion Merlot, available only for a limited time while supplies last, and I saw from the corner of my eye, flying in the plane and launching heat seeking missiles like a cocked cunt powered asshole, Mr. Apple Pie. I couldn’t believe, but by good god Christ almighty, it was him. I felt like dying. Why did all the innocent children around me receive the privilege of dying instead? Those greedy bastards. Children are the worst. And I suppose I’ll look like the bad guy now for saying that. Thanks again Obama!”

No one knows yet why former American hero Mr. Apple Pie decided to betray his country and slaughter the grape children. Jenny Harkins, local Soccer mom that knows how to handle a bottle or two of Chardonnay in a single sitting, had quite the theory on the matter. “It’s probably all the stress of trying to be a single mother in this modern world of today. I’m sure of it. There’s soccer practice and dance recitals and having to pick up little Billy at the baby sitters and school projects and that cute boy who cuts our lawn and looks at me in that special way that’s my only reason in getting up in the morning and having to get groceries and then cooking them and then washing all the dishes and I swear to God, I’d firebomb the little shits myself if I had the time to learn to fly! I had dreams! Now I’m lucky if I get a half hour a week to watch TV. Somebody please help me.”

Upon hearing of the attack, the President addressed the nation by opening a bottle of Angry Orchard, slamming it down in one gulp, smashing it against a wall and stating, “damn it all to hell and back again. We are a country that refuses to negotiate with terrorism, no matter how smooth it goes down or how well it goes with cinnamon ice cream. I know Mr. Apple Pie was a symbol of our country and all the great things it stands for, but as the leader of this country, I will become the hero this country needs now more than ever. I promise to bear knuckle box Mr. Apple Pie myself if I get the chance. Yes, you heard me right. Bear knuckle box. That’s not a typo. We will not stand for such tyranny. God bless our country. Thank you Cleveland, and good night.”

GoPro Hero5 Recalled After Failing to Make Anyone Become a Professional Anything

Stocks for GoPro Inc. plummeted upon the recall of their Hero5 line of cameras, which had occurred because of the overwhelming negative response for the model. Everyone that had purchased the camera, with the hopes and dreams to become professional biking bloggers or YouTube kayak video producers or some other sort of equally stupid outdoor shit that’s not a normal desk job, were crushed at the realization that they weren’t earning any sweet, sweet ad money off their pointless and lame videos.

“What the hell?” asked Jeremiah Jericho to no one in particular. “This was my way to make it to the big time. I could’ve became the next Man vs Nature man, man. Now [how] do I make some extra cash to pay my phone bill? I don’t want to get a part time job at my local Walmart! Noooooo!”

Sources confirm that he was unable to secure a part time weekend cashier position at his local Walmart due to failing the drug test. Sources also confirmed that a middle aged man that can’t get a job for high school students due to smoking too much pot is quite hilarious and yet quite embarrassing and sad, exactly like people that post GoPro videos to YouTube. What losers.

Gross New Dessert Bar Opens

The Desserted Island: Wow, What a Yum Pun!, a total fucking hipster place to get dessert at if I’ve ever fucking seen one, opened up last Friday in Downtown Delaware Town, WA to most scathing of reviews.

“I got something called a homemade strawberry frozen yogurt,” began Ben (last name withheld due to trademark violations.) “Let me tell you, that shit was not homemade, or even frozen yogurt for that matter.” He took another bite and gave a disgusted look before commenting, “You know what this actually is? This is a Yoplait strawberry yogurt that was opened up, plopped onto a cone, stuck into a freezer and probably forgotten about for a few months. God, I can taste the freezer burn now. I got to stop eating this nasty thing.” He then abandoned the interview to finish eating his frozen yogurt before going back to order another one.

Sources went in, but would not order anything and I don’t blame them. But they did get a comment from Alabama Joe the Third, a man who drove 1,500 miles just to try The Desserted Island: Wow, What a Yum Pun!’s signature flavor. “Ugh. This isn’t mint chocolate chip cookie dough. Oh my sweet fucking hell, this is menthol cigarette butts and hamster food pellets. I ought to give them a piece of my mind!” Due to hating conflict, he told the staff they did a bang up job and threw a five dollar bill in the tip jar before finishing it in front of them. “Ah heck. It was their first day. I’d be nervous too if I was them.” Sources confirmed that he’d be leaving quite the mean spirited review on their Yelp page though.

The Cost for Prescription Nostalgia Medication has Spiked

Obviously taking notes from the Epipen team, the price for Nostalgone has recently increased four hundred percent. And with the breaking news of the president wanting to immediately begin the building of the wall to block out Canada and their amazing, to the point of being completely unamerican, drug prices, old people are annoyed. I mean, more annoyed than normal, just to be clear. Old man Jenkins had this to say about the issue. “God damn it. Don’t call me old man Jenkins. My name is Jenkins. Just Jenkins. Like the lotion company. I died in a war for Christ’s sake.” Old man Jenkins then hocked a huge loogie and put on his dentures before continuing. “I tell you. That Yomamacare ain’t done crap for me to stop complaining about the old days. They didn’t have stupid health shit like that back in the old days, I tell you what. LBJ wouldn’t stand for that horse plop. And FDR couldn’t, ha ha ha ha. Remember when we could make fun of a president’s race or disabilities? What happened to those days? And how about JFK? Why don’t presidents use their initials anymore? That was such a classy touch that gave our enemies the fear of fucking God Almighty himself.”

The biggest worry plaguing our country over the Nostalgone price increase is the fact that people won’t bother making new shit up anymore and just keep going with all the reboots and remakes and rehashes until we all die. “Yeah man,” Harry Shins began in between puffs of weed. “I remember back in the old days, the 70’s the 80’s and the 90’s, that people didn’t have nostalgia problems. How else do you think amazing original bands like Led Zeppelin or Devo or Pearl Jam or classic movies like Alien or The Wrath of Khan or Die Hard would’ve gotten made if people just wanted to rehash shit from the 40’s and 50's? God, I miss those days. Hey, now that I think about it, aren’t you just ripping off this story idea from the new memberberry episodes of South Park? Stop rehashing shit man. Didn’t you learn anything from Simpsons did it?”

Nostalgone has declined to give an official statement regarding the price increase, but sources confirmed an unnamed junior executive, coked and wasted out of his damn mind, screamed into the night from his luxurious balcony, “show me the money! Heh, heh, heh, remember that shit? Hellzyeah! Hey, let me see that used up present wrapping paper roll. Remember this guys? Say hello to my little friend! Hahaha, they don’t make shows like that anymore. Fuck Breaking Bad. It’s too recent.”

Hero at Office Lays Into Awful Boss

A joyous celebration occurred at Sheudwy, Cheatum and Faakyea after Danny Ovaltine really went into his bitch of a manager Carol Stevens after her passive aggressive weekly staff meeting went too damn far this time.

“You should of seen it,” began sweeping boy Earl Eustace. “She was all ‘and while Danny did show great enthusiasm at the sales pitch last Wednesday, he wasn’t quite able to close on a contract with the potential client. Boy, it’s a shame enthusiasm doesn’t put food on the table or else we’d all have a stomach ache, am I right Danny? Ha ha ha. You’ll get it next time I’m sure.’ and he was all, ‘listen here you snake person born and raised in Bitchtown, USA. I’ve had it with all the snide remarks about my sales records. You sit upon your almighty throne like you’re this perfect queen, but we all know you cry in the closet during lunch because you’re unhappy at home. Boo fucking hoo. ‘That’s why it’s called homework and not workhome, right Danny? Please log off Facebook and let’s get back to business. You can friend me after work if you want. Have a great day now.’ Remember saying that to me? Fuck you Carol. I have consistently ranked among the top three sellers here for the last three years. I don’t need to keep taking this shit from you.’ God, it was so funny.”

Earl went on in greater detail, including how Danny called her “a living roll of toilet paper since you’re such an asskisser to Mr. Bandakov. Luciferetta, eater of souls and dreams and Bitchawhoreus Rex,” before stating that Carol ran to the bathroom and sounds of crying could be heard from within. Sources had to stop the interview listening after feeling sorry for Carol, who is currently taking care of her bed ridden mother, trying to help her best friend gather the courage to move away from her abusive husband, trying to raise enough money to release her framed for armed robbery son out on bail and get him a decent lawyer and dealing with her daily battle with Lupus.

After hearing all these personal details, Danny was shocked. “Wow, Carol is really going through all that? Good. That flat chested fucking slut deserves it for wanting to get rid of all the candy in the vending machine with heart healthy snacks. And did you hear she wants us to come in on Saturday for a charity drive? ‘Oh, it’s completely voluntary, I assure you Danny.’ Yeah, voluntary if we want to look back and not get a raise during the yearly review. God, what a bitch.”

Scientists Still Unable to Explain How Sarah Jessica Parker Went From a Hot Witch to a Horse-faced Foot

While it’s common knowledge that the only time Sarah Jessica Parker was ever attractive was during the movie Hocus Pocus, scientists have not gotten closer during the twenty three years after the movie’s release in figuring out why she’s been quite unappealing ever since.

There have been many commonly thought reasons for the sharp decline in hotness that have been proven false over the years, from the pale makeup needed to showcase her as a witch hiding her facial details, which doesn’t make sense due to the advances of facial based special effects since 1993, to her personality in Hocus Pocus being ditzy in a cute way and slightly kinky in a hot way compared to the stuck up bitch that is Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, which scientists and wives around the globe assure me isn’t the case with Carrie (fuck if I’m going to watch that show closely to see if that’s actually correct) to the fact of simple aging, which also can’t be the case due to the high amount of celebrity milfs in existence.

The currently most believed reason for the decline is the possibility that she was bitten by a radioactive Minotaur during the late nineties. Upon asking her husband Matthew Broderick for his opinion he laughed maniacally and screamed, “I got away with murdering two people! I didn’t even have to go to jail or pay any settlement to the family of the victims! Fuck, I didn’t even reallyapologize to them, not that I would have meant it if I did! I love being rich and famous! I can get away with anything! Mu ha ha ha…” Sarah Jessica Parker declined to neigh a comment on the matter.

Man Upset Over Lack of Likes on His Cover Band’s Facebook Page

Frederiah Mangillacutty, vocalist for Vanama Canalen, the tri-state area’s third most liked Van Halen tribute band, has been facing serious bouts of depression during the last month over the lack of likes on his band’s Facebook page.

“What the hell man?” he asked me and expected an answer, like I have a fucking clue what the hell. “Who doesn’t like Van Halen? You like Van Halen, you like seeming them live, you can’t afford seeing them live, but our shows are always cheap and right at the local watering hole so no need to deal with driving downtown…I mean, what’s not to like? Why won’t they like us!? Why!?”

His wife beater became more and more drenched and soaked and permanently stained in sweat, tears and spilled beer as he kept self harming his mental state by scrolling down his wall and comparing himself to the posts of his friends. “Oh look at this shit. Forty eight likes for Cindy’s son getting into community college. Big fucking whoop. Who can’t get into community college? And look at this travesty. This is my guitarist’s YouTube video of him playing Eruption. Not a single god damn like. He’s been working his ass off after work for months to nail that. What disrespectful cunts.”

It only got worse as the night went on. “Check out this asshole Craig. Seventeen likes for posting a selfie of himself after jogging. What a douche. Jim and Pam finally got engaged…oh gee, that’s so darn swell of those tw — she’s a fucking whore that doesn’t deserve sixty seven likes! Oh, Phil is having yet another turd child crap out of his stupid wife. Hey Phil — no one is impressed with your happy family. People prefer to have a rocking good time. Look at me. I don’t have a family. I live a plenty happy live!” At this point I had to sneak away to keep from getting sucked into the depression pit of eternal despair that was Frederiah’s mid life crisis turned emotional breakdown.

Confused Dyslexic Cop Fires at Child That was Downloading Adult Porn

A tragedy of most epic, double Quarter Pounder sized proportions, occurred in San Fransokyo today as shots were fired at a child, who is currently in mediocre condition at St. Anger hospital. “I’m alright, but I could maybe use some fucking ice cream or something up in this bitch,” stated little Billy after his surgery to remove the bullets fired into him by officer Mike Hunt.

“I — I don’t know what happened,” stated Mr. Hunt at the scene after the ambulance arrived to rush Billy to the hospital. “The chief gave me the address for a home who’s IP address was found to have downloaded child porn. I drove to the address that I had remembered hearing, but it turned out I had mixed up the numbers. I, I kicked the door down, ran up to the room that I heard pornographic audio blaring from, barged in and fired like hell without asking any questions, like any respectable member of the police force would. Oh, I guess I actually do know what happened.”

Billy’s parents were ever so distraught over the incident. Billy Sr. stated, “I just can’t believe the police nowadays. I can’t always be there for my children. They need to be latchkey kids in a neighborhood that they can be safe in. I have to work seventy hours a week just to be able to afford cigarettes. I smoke a lot of very high quality smokes. Is this what America stands for now?”

On whether or not the officer would lose his job, the commissioner of the police department stated, “hey, we all make mistakes, right? Thank god that kid was white and Mike is black. That’ll certainly help save our asses. Along with the fact that it’s technically illegal for minors to look at pornography. Yes, this is sure to be a minor issue for us. Oh hey, would you look at that? I just made a funny.” After laughing for much too long at such a dumb pun, he concluded his official statement with, “and between now and the,” he made air quote symbols with his hands during the following word, “trial, Mr. Hunt will certainly be receiving paid suspension thanks to the generosity of the American tax paying public. We can afford to do that for our heroes in blue since this country doesn’t give paid maternity leave, guarantee paid vacation time at work and does a rather shitty job with veteran benefits. God bless America!” God help us all.

Holding in Anger for a Later Giant Outburst is Great for Mental Well-being

A study performed by a class of human behavior therapy majors at Lardvard University proved that the long held belief that people should count to ten and try to handle stress and life problems with calm conversation, compromise and a showing of passion for others and respect for self is a total crock of shit. It’s now proven that anytime some moron bugs you with yet another version of dumb shit you didn’t think was even possible, you should just ignore it and ignore it and ignore it and ignore and ignore it until the dumb ass still doesn’t get it after the tenth annoyed glare you’ve given them and so you just have to punch their stupid fucking teeth down their stupid fucking throat and scream at them to not be dumb as shit anymore.

“I can’t believe it’s taken us as an advanced species this long to figure out,” began Professor Albright as he took a bite of a slice from his extra large pepperoni pizza that he wasn’t able to finish or bother to bring home so he just threw it away instead of offering me a slice like the giant bastard he is, “that holding things to explode later is fucking awesome as hell. I mean, hasn’t anyone ever heard of delaying an orgasm and building up until it completely ruins your pants? It’s the shit.”

Scientists believe that with this new found discovery, it is only a matter of time before therapists are out of work and have to become kickboxing teachers.

Hostage Situation at Bank Involving Money Burning Monsters

The police, in a manner unlike that of a normal ‘fire first, ask later’ officer, were engaged in a standoff with a group of Communist thieves who were threatening to burn millions upon millions of dollars that were in the vault of Fourth National bank. The communists believed that the money had no use in a true fair society, and the bank tellers, who were completely safe and unharmed the entire time, that the precious, precious money was going to go up in flames. “We are sicken by your hunger for this lifeless paper, you capitalist pigs,” the thieves said through megaphone.

Through tears and cry-spoken words, Jenny Block stated “it was so frightening to see them monsters hold all that sweet, glorious cash in their hands and threaten to burn in all up. How can someone be so heartless and vile in this world?”

Officer Crandellberry is still reeling from the situation hours after it had happened. “I had to be careful. This was not a person to people, face to face situation. I couldn’t just open fire with nary a care. Money was on the line damn it. Cash is just so god damn important, and while we can print more money in vast amounts that it becomes worthless and essentially meaningless, we can’t bring back those exact original bills. And they have a strong, important history behind them, probably leaving behind traces of cocaine, stripper sweat and feces from fast food handlers not paid enough to bother washing their hands. That is something you can’t replace. You can always make another stupid, whiny little shit of a kid.” A tear had then rolled down his face. “It was just so hard to be there.”

It was the toughest situation professional hostage negotiator Clark Spencer had ever been in. “It was just so hard and terrifying, yet without a single idea of what to do to get out, even though you knew you didn’t have time to think and that you had to just react. It was just like having a boner at church and that it was time to get up and go to the fellowship room.” He sat in silence, with a look of exasperation before continuing. “We usually don’t want to truly negotiate with terrorists, it’s not like we want to give any sweet, precious, awesome money in exchange for random and probably worthless people, but this was money on the line. This was almost the first time that I had to consider trading in some random people we have locked up in detox in exchange for some of that glorious, Christ like money. God, that would’ve worked so well too. Killed two birds with one stone, but with two people and one really bad ass sniper shot. Man, that’d be sick to see in real life. It’s thoughts like that that make me love my job more than anything. My wife, my kids, my friends…but not money. I mean, that’s the real reason why I do this.” The hostage situation had ended when the Communists agreed to exchange the money for Burger King coupons, which were worth 1/20th of a cent each.