My Own Private Weinstein (Part 30): The Struggle

I’ve taken quite a break from writing this blog. In the time I’ve been away, I’ve rewritten one pilot script twice and started another. I’ve also continued my job search, which in and of itself, is enough to exhaust me. And, networking. Lots of networking. Getting out and talking to people, hoping to form connections. Hoping the connections lead some place, whether it’s to a personal or professional relationship, or to a… dare I say it? A job!

The biggest obstacle in my life right now, is the basic need to find a job. Without a job, I don’t want to get out and meet people. And, when I do, all I seem to be able to talk about is, my quest for a job. I literally hate the sound of my own voice. I hate the “advice” I get from people, which really isn’t helpful at all. And, I hate being in a lowly position of desperation, feeling like a failure, because I seem to find nothing but roadblocks in my way to securing gainful employment.

I could write volumes about it. I have written volumes about it. But mostly, I don’t write about it. What? How can that be?

Here it is… I am terrified of telling my story because of the impact it will have on my finding a job. I struggle with my desire for creative expression verses my need to earn a living. I do a little dance in my head every few months that goes something like…. If I tell my story, it could establish me as a writer and help me find a job. But, if I’m writing about sexual harassment, is anyone going to hire me? If the CEO of CBS is under investigation for sexual harassment, what chance do I have of getting a job at CBS (or NBC or ABC or Fox, or any other studio/organization/company that is dealing with sexual harassment by its top executives) if I’m speaking out about being sexually harassed?

Then, in another twist, I think, well, I’m not getting a job anyway, so I might as well tell my story. Maybe telling it will help me deal with the pain I’m going through and get it out of my head finally. And then I think, but if I do tell my story, I permanently erase any possibility of ever getting a job, so why take the chance? And, there are about a hundred more scenarios I go through, over and over which fuck with my head and make me pretty much toxic to be around.

The struggle is real. And, one day, maybe I will be in a position to finally open up the gates and let it all out. But, not today. Probably not tomorrow. Because of what happened yesterday.

Yesterday, I had coffee with a woman I met through a women’s advocacy organization. One that I’m hoping to partner with in advancing strategies for resolving sexual harassment issues without the need for litigation. Because this is someone I would consider an ally, I felt reasonably comfortable sharing my “origin story” and why I was compelled to form a non-profit for these purposes. I only shared specifics, i.e., names, when she asked. As it turns out, she was familiar with the individual who has been harassing me and was quite appalled by what had happened. On the actual issue, I did have an ally. In fact, I have yet to find a person who doesn’t agree that what has happened to me is wrong. Thankfully, here I do find support.

However, it’s the “advice” that really gets to me. It’s what I struggle with the most. It’s what I find the most infuriating because it is at the heart of everything that allows the problem to exist, persist and resist a solution. The advice is, basically…

…force the victim to deal with the problem. The prevailing advice is, if someone is sexually harassing a woman in the workplace, then SHE needs to find a new job. SHE needs to start over at a new company. Leave behind her investment, seniority, relationships, etc., simply to ensure she has a chance of working in a safe environment, which she should have reasonably expected to find in the first place. But, this advice is SO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS!

WHY? The woman has done nothing wrong! Why does she have to leave? Why not deal with the person causing the problem? If a woman is being sexually harassed, there’s a pretty good chance many women are being sexually harassed. Removing one woman will not fix the problem. This “advice” will only allow the problem to persist.

So, why give this advice? It sucks! People should know better! Especially people who deal with this issue on a daily basis. My belief is…

…because it’s the easiest solution for THEM. Forcing the victim to deal with the problem lets them off the hook. Make HER do the work, so that THEY don’t have to. If SHE can be forced to leave her job, then no action needs to be taken (until the next time, then all that is required is to force the next victim to deal with the issue in a never ending cycle).

People will always find the easiest solution for themselves, regardless of their personal convictions. I have come to expect this, but yet, every time it happens, it sets me off again. Just like it did yesterday.

After listening to my story, and commiserating with me on my struggles, I heard, “So why waste your time dealing with this? Why not move on? There are plenty of other places you can go.”

Basically, force me to deal with the problem. Force to me come up with a justification of why I’m spending time on this issue. Put me on the defensive because I have the audacity to expect to be treated fairly by an organization I have invested my time and energy in serving. And, when my rights (and the laws) have been violated, force me to either accept my status as a second class citizen, or leave the mess for someone else to deal with.

Now, from a practical perspective, this might be great advice. But, not for the reason most advice is great. Not because this is the best solution to the problem. In fact, it is no solution to the problem and only allows the problem to continue growing.

The reason this is great advice is because there is a stone wall of complacency surrounding these issues which have proven to be impenetrable. Better to just surrender up front than fight a battle you have no chance of winning. Accept your fate, chalk it up to life experience and leave the world just as you found it.

And that is the thinking that has gotten us to where we are today. I rage every time I hear this kind of hypocrisy spill from the lips of the “enlightened.” I hold back my anger, frustration and VOICE when faced with these fallacies of logic. I quash my own spirit in the desperate attempt not to upset a connection which may land me a job. It is why I struggle to write.

End of Part 30

Continue to Part 31: The Condemnation

Start with Part 1

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Committed to empowering women who are forced deal with harassment both in the workplace and elsewhere.