Life On Mars

I’ll help get you there, but you need to be prepared upon arrival. The following is a brief introduction to your future home.

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You will require a unique cross-section of devices on Mars. They will serve many functions, but above all else they will have one core responsibility: preventing your death.

Locator Beacon. Don’t let the simplicity of the device fool you. This piece of technology is going to be the most valuable gadget you own when 400 kilograms (yes, Mars is Metric) of Martian sand buries you while you were distracted taking a selfie. Do not ever leave your home without taking your Beacon. All that said, remember the old Martian saying, “the best way to survive a Martian dust avalanche is not to get stuck in a Martian dust avalanche in the first place.”

Jetpack: You were promised Jetpacks and you are getting Jetpacks. The same technology that brought you to Mars will also be harnessed in the convenience of a stylish backpack that blasts you around Mars at 400 km/h. Both extremely volatile and scientifically questionable, the Jetpack is the Porsche Carrera GT of Mars. Completely unnecessary except for showing off your wealth to the other billionaires who also live on your new planet.

Martian Army Knife: During the 1880s the Swiss Army began issuing a knife that had several different functions. Much like the Swiss military, it was rather ineffective. As with almost every object that can be massively improved with the addition of lasers, the Martian Army Knife will help you cut your way out of a jam… or spread that jam on your space toast.

Household and Botany

Living on Mars is more than just survival. There are a few key items you should consider saving to your Amazon Space Prime shopping cart. (Totally worth the $99,000 annual fee).

Domedex (TM): Pesky sandstorms will be a daily occurrence, but this will not excuse you from having a clean well-kept home dome. Products like Domedex(TM) will effectively remove various forms of space grime including igneous rock, sedimentary, and bone dust from the many folks who left home without a locator beacon. Just two sprays of Domedex will give your dome that streak-free shine that almost makes it look like your dome is invisible for about two minutes until the next dust storm.

Poohtato Kit: Martian soil is terrible. This will frustrate the green thumbs amongst us, but it’s important to realize that you’ll have many options for growing your own vegetation when you incorporate one very special ingredient. Best of all, you’re full of it. Each kit comes with seeds, instructions, moist wipes, and a healthy diuretic to speed up the process. Other varieties of kits include Crapples, Dingleberries, and obviously Shiitake Mushrooms.

Solar Umbrella Patio Set: The average temperature on the Martian surface is around −55 °C but that’s no reason for you not to have a delightful patio set. With plenty of square footage around your dome, consider adding a solar umbrella or two to collect supplemental energy while also blocking you from the sun during those scorching 20 °C summer days.

Animal Companions

Much like in 2017, the future will continue to be a place where people insist on bringing their dogs everywhere. As such, we will ensure that Mars is hospitable not only for humans, but also the “emotional support animals” that must accompany them.

Canine VR Goggles with Treadmill: Since you’ve selfishly decided to bring your dog with you to Mars, it’s important that you don’t deprive them of the luxuries they’re used to on Earth. The hyper-realistic virtual reality treadmill will provide your pet with the emotional relief of natural landscapes, toys, and delicious postal employees. While the human brain can easily spot the difference between reality and VR (yes VR is still lame in the future), your primitive pooch will be completely entranced.

Rover Rover Kit: No matter how fast your space ship can travel, no matter how many planets we conquer, there is one reality that humans will not be able to escape: our dogs will always shit. The first batch of Martian rovers served us well when our species was merely exploring the Red Planet. Now that we no longer need these antiques, a simple bolt-on kit will be available to convert your average rover into an autonomous heat-seeking doo-doo collector.

Drone Walker: Not having to pick up your fido’s excrement will quickly domino into the shirking of other pet-owner responsibilities. Sometimes you’ll want to throw on your space suit and take buddy for a walk, sometimes you won’t. The Drone Walker will carefully follow your pooch along their natural path, stopping for the inevitable sniff of yet another space rock or unnecessary leg lift.

Life On Mars — An Internet Pop-Up Exhibit

By Bored Elon, a futuristic hyper-parody account from Twitter.

Special Thanks to Moron Eel for illustrating these thoughts and inventions. He is a talented creature who you should follow closely.

To request permission to share the above images or text elsewhere, please email boredelon(at)gmail(dot)com. If you use any of this content without permission I will travel back in time to when you were a high school freshman and pull your pants down in front of the prettiest girl in school.