I’m Doing Competitive Sober January, and No One Can Stop Me

A lot of people claim to do “sober January”, but I’m going to do it better.

I’m cutting out alcohol as well as any other drugs (even weed). On top of that, I won’t be eating refined sugars or carbs.

It’s harder as a comic. Your work environment is often at or around bars. Plus my brother runs a bong company. But you know what? There are professions that have an even tougher sober January, like Bartenders or methadone clinic nurses.

That’s why I’m going to turn the difficulty settings up. If you’re reading this and later deciding whether or not to invite me to brunch or offer to buy me a drink at the bar, I say BRING IT ON.

I will come to brunch and drink coffee or tea. I will either pass on your shot or take it and offer it to another friend behind your back. Do your worst you mother fuckers.

It might corrupt someone else’s sober January, someone weaker who’s efforts pale in comparison to the sober January I’m doing. I will overcome and I will persevere.

That’s why we’re going to dial it up to 11. I started a GoFundMe Here for New Alternatives. It’s a charity for at risk LGBTQ homeless youth that I have raised money for in the past with the show Undie Party. Any money that accumulates goes to the kids… IF I make it through this month. If I fail, I get the money this time.

That means every time I turn down a drink, I am not just turning down alcohol but I am turning down alcohol + a cash prize. If you care about homeless LGBTQ youth you will donate. How would you feel if you held back because you didn’t believe in me and then New Alternatives gets a measly $10 when I make it?

Alternatively, if you hate gay homeless kids, you should still donate so that in the hopes that I fail you get to help pull a large donation out from under them.

Either way, every extra dollar will make my sobriety that much more difficult. This is a competitive sport, and I am going to win.

This is day 1. I will post updates on my journey. My meals, etc. There will be shout-outs for the mightiest attempts to break me and my triumphs over them. There will be tales of going to the movies and never, not even once, hitting a vape pen.

Come at me.

P.S. The ONLY reason I’m not doing no caffeine is because I’m not abstaining from things arbitrarily. I’m avoiding what would be healthier for me to consume less of. Meaning I’m not avoiding coffee because the latest research says it’s healthy to drink coffee, and probably more than I drink now.

Here’s the latest on that: http://time.com/4849985/coffee-caffeine-live-longer/

So if you’re abstaining from coffee and don’t have a specific medical reason, suck it you have nothing on me.