How Gentle Parenting is Not Helping You Raise Responsible Adults
I read recently one of the newest “trends” is parents finally understanding and revolting against Gentle parenting.
So, I want to head this up and be one of the first to say: gentle parenting is not a solid parenting method. And I’ve thought this since I’ve heard about it and just now getting the balls to stand up.
I know people that use the gentle parenting method, and the lack of maturity on all parts astounds me as to why they still use it.
I took the time to look up what I believe are the ‘pillars’ of gentle parenting and will walk them through one by one.
- Bonding with the child
I read that point and said ‘wow, were off to a good start’. Who doesn’t want to bond with their child. But expounding on that it means it is often known as attachment parenting or positive discipline, emphasizes the parent-child relationship as crucial for helping children develop internal self-control and emotional regulation. In practice, this approach involves parents engaging in conversations with their children about choices, feelings, and challenges, rather than enforcing strict rules or consequences.
That last part. Nope. Children have choices — they can choose rather to not throw the tantrum or throw the tantrum in a moment of not getting their way. But unless a child is willing to accept what the parent says to do (obedience), then they likely aren’t mature enough for choices based around their feelings or the challenges surrounding them.
Rules — since when are rules or consequences taken out of adulthood? Please tell me if you’re allowed to pee on the floor in the breakroom of your office? Or would there be a consequence of getting fired for that (yes, I realize that’s extreme)? Rules are not bad. Obviously, there is a balance there. Don’t be so extreme and have your rules or expectations set so high that it impossible for a child to abide by them.
2. Seeing your child as a person, worthy of feelings.
Alright — also.. I agree. Children are PRECIOUS and I do my utmost best to treat mine with respect and dignity. But this is going back to treating the child how the adult would want to be treated, including allowing the child to choose.
THE GOLDEN RULE?! HOW COULD YOU DISAGREE WITH THAT?!
I don’t. I tell my kids this ALL THE FREAKING TIME. But, I tell them in perspective of how they're treating their peers so they can learn. I’m an adult, and my little kids do not have the emotional maturity to choose in moments of high emotions.
I get it though.. were training them for that aren’t we? So, why wouldn’t we let them decide and talk through their high feelings. I do that! That’s not the problem. The child is always gonna have the choice of hitting his cousin because he took the toy car, and I hope he doesn’t choose that. But when he does, my child who made a mistake is going to get consequences of his actions just like we would if we were adults.
I’ve smacked my husband one time in eight years of marriage, and I’ll never do it again. Not because he hit me back or his anger was too much to control, but because I saw the utter shock in his eyes and the pain (not physical because I’m short and weak) he felt from crossing a boundary that we had set in place for us. I understood my actions caused hurt and the consequences were in place even if they weren’t put there by my husband.(Just so ya know, looking back, he says it was completely justified and somehow we laugh about it now).
I digress — all that to say children get to choose, but not when they’ve already made a mistake. Consequences of their actions build emotional maturity. Period.
‘Okay that's only two out of five pillars and I’m tired of typing — maybe they got the point, and I can just stop’
For real though, I know those out there that are dead set for gentle parenting will not have their minds changed by one measly little article written by a mom that is only 7 years into parenting… I’m not delusional. However, I decided I was writing this and I don’t plan to stop halfway through
3.(and 5) Not using punishment for discipline and allowing the kids to be part of the parenting process.
Honestly, I combined reasons three and five because they are so similar, and it will be me repeating the same rant.
This one I just immediately jaw dropped at…. no way parents do this?! What the actual f***?
But yes, no more discipline. Instead a child gets to decide (this also connects with pillar number two) what he did was wrong and how to make up for the wrong that he did.
‘We do this as adults… wait… hmmm..’
Oh wait — duh — An emotionally immature child will not choose a punishment appropriate with the crime.
I’m not calling all children emotionally immature — because I’ve seen some that are out of the ballpark.
But come on! A child needs logical consequences to understand the severity of the wrong he did. If my Johny hits his little sister with a baseball bat, then by golly mama bear is coming out with consequences and not just something like taking the baseball bat away for a day. Whereas, Johny may choose to just hug his sister or give her some water to ‘make up’ for the way he treated her. But trust me, it’s not gonna be enough of a lesson to impact Johnny to not hit with the bat again.
And letting them decide punishment isn’t the only parenting the child gets to do… they can also decide whether they want to clean their bedroom or not. And if they decide not to (even if you told them too) then you have to discuss why cleaning the bedroom is best for everyone and leave them to decide what they think they should do.
First off, this is an actual example I saw and read today. Can I say, sounds like a good way to raise a child with manipulation. “Well, this is best for everyone, so you have to do it, and now I’m gonna walk out of the room with this big decision on your shoulders expecting you to make the right one”.
Wowzers — is this also teaching the children how to manipulate? Wouldn’t they use this same thought on you when it comes to getting what they want. All they have to do is come up with a good reason why their idea of going to the splashpad today is best for everyone instead of finishing responsibilities or taking care of previous engagements…. hmm… just a thought. And yes, I’ve seen this happen.
Do you think any spouse wants to live with a manipulator one day?
Also, what happened to just being obedient to your parents when they said to do something? Is that just gone nowadays?
4. Lastly, be mindful of how much praise you give them.
Hold up — did I read that right? Yep, I did. Your children shouldn’t receive too much praise from you because they don’t need to become dependent on you for confidence.
Aren’t we our children's world? You know how much negative they hear daily even if you’re not the one giving it to them (especially if they attend school)? Please, praise your children. Even better when you praise them when they least expect it. Instead of waiting for Johnny to finish coloring the picture to show you, just lean over his shoulder and say “wow, you’re getting much better at coloring in the lines. Great job!”
Dang — it gives me goosebumps thinking about the smile that will probably come across his face.
You don’t have to be a child to love praise. As an adult, think of the last time you got commended or thanked for something at your job? Didn’t that make you want to do it again? OR what if you haven’t gotten any recognition at your job but you work your butt off everyday…. kind of makes you want to quit, I’m sure. Your confidence shouldn’t come from other adults, BUT positivity brights up anyone's day so imagine what it does for your kiddo.
Ending this spill now..
I feel like the whole problem can be wrapped up into one simple statement…
FEELINGS DO NOT OUTWEIGH FACTS.
I know, I know — their feelings are important. But nobody's feelings outweigh the truths.
And that is the concern of gentle parenting as a whole — it spends so much focus on how the child is feels versus the wrong and unacceptable behavior that the child is portraying.
And it’s raising a generation that will not be able to hold down a job, have solid relationships, or understand the basic principles of life all because they’re feelings are more important.
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In case you don’t know me! I’m a SAHM of 4 littles that specializes in teaching parents how to raise kids with principles! Plus I do some money making online to allow me the time freedom to stay home with them!
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