The Bliss and Pain of Ignorance

It has been a month now. A month since I’ve been experiencing the worst and weirdest feelings and symptoms of life, or so I feel, right now. I’m still into the tunnel, but I try hard not to dig too deep, because I slowly start to think that I’m going to sink. I’ve always been considered as an anxious person, I have weird sides to my personnality and I’ve been through panic attacks, but I know it does not last more than a few hours. It has been a month now. A month of what? How did it start? The start is ambiguous to me, but I do recall the talk to a friend, about another friend experiencing a disease. I felt sad, and sorry for hey but I do not know how such a thing could impact me so profoundly. A made a mistake: I was in a weak state of mind, the usual negative spiral of mid-winter and decided it was a good idea to start researching symptoms of the sickness. Did I research symptoms for the heck of it or because I was feeling something? I can’t recall. But what I do recall is the descent to hell. Symptoms, symptoms, symptoms, followed by binge googling and then amplification of symptoms, from feet, to limbs, to arms. Muscles contractures, spasms, slight eye pain. The more I was self conscious, the more tests I was making on myself, such as testing my eyes constantly, my legs, my arms, and the worse symptoms got. I couldn’t stand it, was it all in my head? I digged deeper into the internet, researching more symptoms, finding links between things my doctor told me to reassure me with actually something worse, and so on. I feel dizzy, like I’m living in my head. When I’m out, I am so self conscious of my body that I get weird feelings on one leg or the other, feeling even more horrible, bursting into tears, thinking my life was over and that I was going to decrepite slowly from now on. I need answers. I went to a specialist, who reassured me by saying it was psychosomatic but still , I can’t get it out of my mind. I am exhausted by all of this, I can’t function normally. I check symptomes all the time, and recently stumbled into the worst disease ever and feel like I’m having symptoms of it. Why? I need to know. I pray to God everyday for relief, and now I am going to get myself more medical tests. It is soon, but what a stressful waiting process. I pray God everything is okay with me, and I wish I had never went to the internet to read about all of this, it is eating my mind and anxiety has taken over me. Please, make it stop. Ignorance is a bliss wwhen everything is on track, but what a horror cave when you know when you’re getting your answer…

I pray to God to get myself back, to learn from this and become finally the best version of myself I can possibly be.