What is the purpose of a purse?

What do women carry in their purses? Make up, books, tablets, phones, pens, mirrors, feminine products, avocados, remotes, beers, medicine, things, so many things. I don’t understand why one needs so many things.

As a woman, I carry many of these things, but I never ever touch them. I have had the same eye liner in my purse for years which makes me terrified to even use it.

In fact, I am embarrassed to use any of the things in my purse. It feels so vain to pull out your eye liner and mirror and start doing your make up at a table full of top knots.

I’m not purse historian, but it feels safe to assume that the invention of a purse was to carry feminine products. But if you get up from the table and take your purse with you, it’s pretty clear what you’re going to do. Why would I want to draw attention to my own personal shark week?

I have 4 pockets and 4 things to carry. My phone, wallet (with 3 cards), chap stick, and keys. And I hardly need the chap stick. So what purpose do I need a purse?

And this trend of giant purses, GIANT! I’m afraid women are just going around sealing oranges and wet naps.

The temperature change between locations is also disruptive to carrying a purse. When it gets warm, my itch cream gets sweaty and messes up all my other useless purse items.

Where did all these crumbs come from? I’m not eating IN my purse, I’m not using it as a plate. I’m just carrying around snacks in case of low blood sugar or because, let’s face it, you never know what a top knot is going to crave.

Sometimes I’m like, oh I should bring this bobby pin with me just in case. Nope, never use it. Nail file? The noise is obnoxious why would I bring that out in front of others?

Oh I know, socks! You always need a spare pair of socks. NO, no you don’t.

A full purse is just the first step to becoming a hoarder. You’re just carrying around your hoarder-ness rather than leaving it behind at home.

Purses are goddamn ridiculous.

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