Hire Me to Run a Company, Mr. Trump
Dear Mr. Trump,
I am writing to ask you to hire me to run one of your companies.
While it’s true that I have zero experience in the business world, it is equally true that some of your companies have gone belly up. Unlike those losers you’ve had running your companies into the ground, I am really, really smart. And my fresh outsider’s perspective equips me to shake things up, which guarantees that any business I run will be hugely successful.
Having observed Fortune 500 companies for many years from my vantage point as a hugely successful high school music teacher, I have all sorts of insightful opinions about how to run a business. For example, I say we should buy low and sell high. I say it’s time our income exceeded our outgo. And I hate to tell you, but I say the competition needs to get their knees tuned up a little, if you catch my drift.
See? I’ve got this. Under my rule, I would tell everybody what to do, and they would do it. Not to brag, but that’s how I got my marching band to the state quarter-finals. Believe me, if you can whip a high school marching band into shape, you can run a big business. At least I can, because I’m really, really smart, and I know best.
Trust me. Hire me to run one of your companies, Mr. Trump. If you don’t, you’re an idiot.
John Boykin is a researcher, designer, and writer in the San Francisco Bay Area