The saddest 14 minutes of my entire life.

(looking back on my best and worst film)

Six months ago today, on the nose, I sat down in my silent, cold, empty and brand new London flat, having just returned from an abortive attempt at living in Edinburgh.

I phoned my ex-girlfriend, made a right tit of myself and then, like any true youtuber with red hot vlog coursing his veins, I set up a camera, and started talking about how I felt… I spoke to that camera for 4 hours straight. That night I set about editing just about the most melancholic video I had ever made. Two Thirds a Fraction:

I did what I’ve since learnt how to do best - pulling together various elements both historical and current to build a tapestry of sudo-sanguine sob fest content, a skill I’ve become more proficient in these days, but was re-learning back then.

I realised how many different subjects I had discussed in the sit down, and felt the film would be hard to watch if left undivided into clear segments of thought, so I created parts. This actually served to be one of the films best elements, the use of slow motion footage and ambient audio or dialogue from when they were shot, for me at least, took your common garden variety nostalgia, and pumped it full of speed.

What about the songs?

Since the very first time I trekked out to a slightly less than above board rooftop in Elephant & Castle, with some mates - on a freezing early spring evening to sing “Paris” by the 1975, I’ve used that particular song as an emotional flay with which to flog myself. To me, to those who know me well, and to those old friends of mine with whom that song is shared, it is a sort of milestone marker of where it all started to go wrong. It’s significance in my life cannot be understated.

However. Musically, I drew on the soundtrack of Trainspotting and T2 Trainspotting to score the film. Straight ripping the trailer track from the movie into my trailer, and using that, most haunting of songs from the original, Temptation.

I wanted to use predominantly pre-2000’s music, it’s sort of cheating really, capitalising on the social capital of a genuinely nostalgic piece to bolster your own work’s reserves, it wasn’t my idea, if you’ve got issues, take them up with “The Perks of being a Wallflower” 😘

I really thought it wouldn't have made it this far

I really did see myself deleting this video at some point shortly after its release, but honestly, it grows on me every time I watch it. It’s actually (most unintentionally I might add) very well edited. It was thrown together with great haste, over a brief all-nighter, and uploaded the following evening after a basic fx and colour pass.

Was it planned?

Not really. I’d decided shortly after my first trip to scotland I wanted to make a film inspired by my major infuences at the time, and that was something longer form, with a vague narrative. And I knew I had things I needed to say if I was to move on as a person from that (recently concluded) chapter in my life, so that’s where all the found footage comes from, and no it’s not all totally faithful to real events, but it does all convey a feeling and meaning…

Whats with all the Heaven on Earth imagery?

ooooooh baby do you know what that’s worth? we’ll make heaven a place on earth —

In short, I loved (and still love) San Junipero, so much so, I had written on my wall the line “Heaven is a Place on Earth” perhaps as an emo reminder to my then highly depressive self, perhaps as a tribute to the great BC herself…

In short, this film has aged better than most of the things I’ve made over the course of my sorry excuse for a youtube career. If I still cared about what people thought, I’d likely be very — oh who am I kidding, it’s had some of the best feedback of anything I’ve ever done. ever.

It’s interesting because I sat down and said “I want someone who watches this to feel as hurt as I do” — not becuase I’m spiteful, or filled with vendetta, just because I was hurting so much back then, I wanted someone, anyone, to understand. And I think I achieved it, people even messaged me personally to tell me how saddening it was. For better or for worse, I’d levelled up as an editor & writer.

But that’s not the best to come from this film. The most valuable lesson I learnt making “Two Thirds a Fraction” was one of perspective, I learnt exactly how miserable you can make yourself, and others, and how easily avoidable it all bloody well is.

big love x