Sometimes I enjoy this. My night life. Its awesome. No disturbances, only noise is of dogs barking. You get to play quiet and soothing music (even though Im listening to Kygo & Wrabel’s With You atm).
Other times, I don’t. It is terrifying. Im afraid. Im afraid Ive lost it all. I want to open my mouth and have chat with someone real. I end up relapsing over and over again. Like Im too far off. I can’t be saved. Nobody even sees me drowning.
I know your 20s are supposed to be difficult, but Its becoming more and more difficult. I don’t even trust myself. I don’t believe in myself. How else do I convince someone else to believe in me.
My open-mindedness is killing me. I feel like an alter ego is rising within me. Nygma. Everything I stand for is falling. Everything I don’t is rising steadily within me. And I can’t do anything about it.
I sit and stare at my struggle and I want to see whether time will make my pain go away or it will deepen it. I listen to everyone’s problems, but its becoming obvious that I can’t listen to my own problems. Im fighting off addiction from within me. And Im very sure Im losing that battle.
I am really aware Im fighting my demons. And they very well attack at night. And I can’t stop. I can’t stop the night life. Im used to it. Sleep used to bring me a way out until they found their way there. Sigh