The First Time You Felt Guilt

Brad R. Edwards
Sep 9, 2018 · 4 min read

Let’s talk about guilt.

That niggling, back-of-your-mind feeling that makes you uncomfortable and won’t go away unless you either right your wrong or simply get over it. Sometimes, something you feel guilty about will never actually leave — you’ll always feel guilty about it but it’ll mean less to you as time goes on. We’ve all had that, right?

So for this blog post I thought I’d talk about the first time I felt guilt and share the story behind it — even if it makes me look like a bit of a reprobate when I get into the story.

I’m not talking about slight guilt either — picking the wrong words to use and offending someone or cancelling on plans you had no intention of upholding anyway. I’m talking about profound guilt, the kind that actually makes you stop and think about what the fuck you’re doing.

So when I was a kid (nine, to be exact) I was hanging around with older lads and getting into trouble/ causing trouble. This ended up being a good thing in my opinion because it meant when everybody from school was going off out and causing trouble, I always refused when invited along because to me it was ‘been there, done that’. In summary I’d actually reached an age where being a tearaway could actually land me in trouble with the police; I’d grown ‘wise beyond my years’ and stayed out of the trouble.

When I was nine, me and my friends went through a phase of ‘egging’. If you’re unfamiliar with the term it’s where you egg random people’s houses and then just run away laughing as if you’ve accomplished something. Terrible behaviour of course but as a kid the adrenaline rush was incredible, I can still remember when you’d get the odd angry man coming out and chasing us — as scary as it was, it brought out the most laughs in our little group of petty criminals as we ran cackling.

So — because this had been going on for a few weeks, a couple times each week — there was a rule made up that we had to cycle who bought the pack of eggs. Honor amongst property-damagers — not quite Robin Hood and his band of Merry Men. Anyway, so I wasn’t aware of this cycle since the friends went off to egg much more than I did.

There was this one night where my mum was making dinner and asked me what I wanted to eat. Because I didn’t want to wait for dinner to be cooked and I wanted to be out causing trouble with my mates — I said I wasn’t hungry. Being a bit of a chubster in my youth, my mum questioned why I wasn’t hungry, why I didn’t want to eat (since the pantry was never usually safe with me around) but I fobbed her off with just not being hungry. That was that and I went out.

Upon meeting my friends they told me that it was my turn to buy the eggs, which was practically impossible because I had no money and was all out of pocket money. Suddenly I had an idea. Running back into my house, I found the courage to ask my mum for money to get a chippy while I was out with my friends. She was a little suspicious at my sudden change of heart regarding eating that night but coughed a few quid up and asked me what I’d be up to tonight. Of course it was ‘football’ which I assumed would be the end of it.

Coming out to my friends I proudly announced I had the money to buy the eggs for that night. So off we went to the shop. Soon as we bought the eggs and were deciding where to go, who do we see but my mum’s boyfriend asking to see what’s in the bag. We managed to fob him off and left but during the night I realised what I’d done — taken money from my mum, letting her think I was being fed for the night when instead I was causing trouble to people just like her. Then I imagined what it’d be like I woke up in the morning and discovered my house had been egged.

That was the first time I felt pure, profound guilt. And I deserved that. The fact I was egging peoples houses didn’t give me that much guilt — I was a kid doing what my friends were doing — who can judge on conformity (me, but only if everyone else does)? But to have been so conniving to have lied and taken money from my mum — that one got me.

I can honestly say I’ve barely lied since and never about something as important. So on a positive note the first time I felt guilt had such an effect on me that it changed my life views on lying. Now I get to be as honest as I can be nine times out of ten and it’s certainly a much better feeling for the soul.

I want to hear about the first time you all felt guilt and your story with it. Don’t be scared to throw up a comment about the first time you felt guilt and if it changed anything about you.

— Brad

Brad R. Edwards

Written by

22 y/o undergrad currently studying Digital Marketing.

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