She no longer feels that spark, but is her battery fully charged?

Photo by Jesse Chan on Unsplash

What in life is more beautiful to behold than the relationship between a disheveled American man and his Japanese sex robot? Jane Austen, on her best day, could not have invoked a romance with more passion, more devotion, or more enthusiastically transferred bodily fluid than the amour between a virgin and his erotic golem. They are truly the Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy of the modern basement.

Like most hot, passionate love affairs, however, the heat between an incel and his sex robot can cool over time (particularly if the robot is stored in a cold space). Sometimes, a man…


What’s in a name? Quite a lot, it turns out

Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels

“Is your Mom a prostitute?”

“Is your sister a whore?”

“Does your grandmother have sex with people for money?”

“Do you have sex with people for money?”

I hope you’ve enjoyed this small sampling of the creative, last-name-focused rejoinders I heard growing up. You’ve probably inferred, from their subtle and refined subtext, that my surname related to the world’s oldest profession. Boy did it. Hooker.

Yes, my last name until age 25 was Hooker — as in slang term for someone who engages in sexual acts for financial compensation. …


We all know who the real star of this show is.

Image Copyright: CNN. (Fair Use.)

Top three beards in history. Go.

1. Confucius

2. Abraham Lincoln

3. Wolf Blitzer

What do these legendary beards have in common? They innovate. In sixth-century China, everyone had facial hair, but Confucius cultivated six-inch eyebrows to lift his beard onto a higher path. In the Civil War-era United States mustaches were all the rage, but what did Lincoln do? He emancipated his upper lip with a mother flipping reverse mustache. Now, in this 21st century, everyone insists you either have a beard or you don’t. They categorize the beard.

But Wolf?

He both has a beard and doesn’t have…


Any outlaw don’t take care of themselves, I’ll shoot dead.

Image Copyright: Produzioni Europee Associate. (Fair Use.)

Looking rough there, compadre.

The 19th century American Southwest is an unforgiving place, so if you want to live your best outlaw life, you better prioritize personal wellness. Out here, nurturant self-care is priority numero uno. I’ll kill any man says otherwise.

All burned up, ain’t you? Sun’ll cook you to high hell if you ain’t careful. See this flat-brimmed hat? It’s like I got a tiny tree canopy over my face at all times, blocking out those harsh rays. I consider this accessory a desperado must-have.

Your mouth’s all cracked up, too. Ain’t been conscientiously hydrating, have you? A…


Every strategy board game slaughter needs a lamb.

Олег Пензин/Pixabay

New to strategy board game Settlers of Catan? Welcome! This step-by-step guide will walk you through the basic strategies you’ll need to competently accept your fate and lose like the novice piece of shit you are.

First things first, though! You must gather opponents.

For a beginner like you, that means wait. Your board game friend — and we all have one — will find you. Mike will smell your Catan inexperience in the ether, the way a Great White detects seal blood from three miles away.

Interested in “some casual Catan” at his place Friday night? Sure you are…


Ambient, insidious, and casually violent.

Image by rjdoc from Pixabay.

I grew up white in a deeply racist culture.

Ask ten random Americans which state they most associate with racism, and five or six will tell you the state in which I was born. The other four or five will probably say Alabama. My home state and its adjacent sibling have undoubtedly been neck and neck — or rather, ass and ass — for decades in the backward race away from social progress.

I grew up in Mississippi, in the Magnolia laden, coastal town of Ocean Springs. We had twelve or so thousand people, a national park, and two marshy…


Only someone as talented as I am could underestimate themselves so thoroughly.

Photo by Chris Benson on Unsplash

Know anything about the Dunning-Kruger Effect? It’s that cognitive bias that skews one’s capacity to accurately evaluate their own expertise. The unskilled overestimate their abilities, apparently, while experts underestimate their abilities.

At least, I think that’s what it means. I doubt I understand it correctly.

There I go — underestimating my abilities, as usual. Always underestimating, that’s me. Does that mean, according to The Dunning-Kruger Effect, that I’m a polymath of unparalleled brilliance? Probably. I don’t see myself that way, of course. That would make me an overestimating dolt. Let’s be perfectly clear — I consider me a colossal ignoramus.


Prepare to be inspired — or confused.

Image Copyright: Touchstone. (Fair Use.)

Two dozen Gen Z’ers sit in a private school classroom. One recites theory from a poetry textbook while the rest, listless and bored, peruse TikTok in silence. A white-haired Boomer principal, Mr. Nolan, oversees the scene with stern satisfaction.

Mr. Keating emerges from a back room. The Millennial ex-poetry teacher carries his personal effects in a custom, Etsy-commissioned box labeled “John’s Office Stuff,” as if in this economy he expected to lose his job multiple times.

Several of the boys look visibly upset as Keating walks towards the door. Eventually, Todd bolts from his desk to face Keating.

Todd: They…


Who are you when a contagion is on the loose?

cottonbro/Pexels

*Disclaimer: These satirical, entirely made-up personality types, while fully scientific and 100% accurate, bear no relation to their corresponding Enneagram types.

Part 1 of 2.

Type 1: The Bare Minimalist

What is the least a person can do during a pandemic and still be considered socially responsible? This question lies at the heart of EnneaGerm Type 1, The Bare Minimalist.

These simple folk are empathetic but lazy, pandemically speaking. They’ll wear a mask — if they remember to bring one. If she forgets, but everyone else has a mask, the Type 1 will walk around with her t-shirt pulled above her nose like she is…


Knock knock. Who’s there? Self actualization — but only you can open the door…

cottonbro/Pexels

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Little old lady.

Little old lady who?

Yodeling is clearly a strength of yours, Sharon. Thank you for sharing that with me today.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Says.

Says who?

You struggle with authority, don’t you? Imagine your father is sitting in this empty chair, and let’s go through that joke again so you can say “Says who?” to the person you really want to say it to.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock knock.

Who’s there.

Orange.

Orange who?

I can tell this one was a…

Brad Stennerson

Satirical writer and actual psychologist, or possibly the other way around.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store