Cuffin’ Season

Ranking Hip-Hop’s power couples using a chain restaurant rating system.

Today is August 1st, thus we are exactly one month away from the start of Cuffing Season. For those of you uninformed, incompetent lackeys, “Cuffing Season” can be described as this.

“During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.”

In honor of Cuffing Season, I felt it necessary to rank the ten best hip-hop couples, in reverse order, from worst to first. This list became even more imperative as the last Jenndashian, Kendall, was cuffed by none other than the Tupac style jacking, Will Smith jiggy jacking, respectable rapper turned soy milk drinking, runway model fruit cup, A$AP Rocky. So in terms of restaurant QUALITY, I am ranking the top ten hip-hop couples based on respectability, success, classiness, etc. I chose restaurant chains so we can all relate. Without further ado, here are your couples.

#10 Wiz Khalifa & Amber Rose

What one word comes to mind when you think of Denny’s? As long as it is synonymous with “vile,” then I trust you as a person. On the other hand, if a word such as “good” popped into your dense, sad excuse of a brain, then go up to the right hand side of this page, and click that big read X. After doing that, get in your car, drive to the closest Denny’s, and enjoy a Big Slam Breakfast for your fat, sorry ass. I digress. So why is Wiz & Amber the Denny’s of hip-hop couples? Do I even have to elaborate? Wiz hasn’t known what day it is since 2010; Amber Rose went from Kanye West to Wiz; Also, she organized a “SlutWalk” to honor all women who have been judged and demeaned for promiscuous sexual behavior; This couple is Denny’s personified.

#9 T.I. & Tiny

My friend once described Applebee’s as “the place divorced parents meet to drop their kids off at.” What a spot on illustration. And who better to represent a divorced couple restaurant than this extremely poor man’s version of Jay and Bey. There have been never-ending divorced rumors, yet they stick it out; And just like Applebee’s numerous lawsuits pertaining to labor dispute and food quality, T.I. and Tiny have had their fair share of legal issues as T.I. has been to jail multiple times. Through thick and thin, both of these entities weather the storm and stand proud!

#8 Tyga & Kylie

Like Rainforest Cafe, Tyga and Kylie are cute on the outside; And just as Rainforest provides you with endless possibilities to eat AND shop, Tyga and Kylie present many opportunities in the world of celebrity; They dabble in music, acting, even Kylie Jenner the author! Then you eat the food, or in Tylie’s case, witness them try to coherently articulate any rational opinion, and that’s when you realize you are dealing with a C-list restaurant/celebrities. You know how Tyga got his name? Because his mom called him Tiger Woods as a kid. Granted, the boy didn’t golf or play sports, so it shows where his mother’s head was at in the early 90s. Also, does anyone else feel that he looks like Amber and Wiz’ lovechild? Or maybe that’s just me. Moving on…

#7 Meek Mill & Nicki Minaj

It’s seems wrong that I’m using the Cheesecake Factory metaphor for any other couple besides Drake and Rihanna, considering he made the restaurant even more famous on his new album. It is even more ironic that the couple who exemplifies Cheesecake’ the most, consists of Drake’s enemy (Meek Mill), and former bae (Nicki.) Hear me out. What is the one thing everyone talks about when discussing Cheesecake Factory? The overwhelming menu that is borderline unpleasant. Sure, the food isn’t bad, rather it’s overkill. Then you have Meek and Nicki. Unarguably the two most obnoxious rappers, regardless of gender. Meek Mill literally screams on every song, while Nicki has that ear-splitting, distinct, yet annoying voice of her own. Like the restaurant, they’re both too bold and in your face. Hey Cheesecake, how about you consolidate your fucking menu so I can breathe. At the same time, yo Meek & Nick, stop channeling your inner Richard Shermans and screaming at us. We understand you’re talented and in love. Stop boasting about it. No one cares, plus when you’re competing in the obnoxious department with Kanye & Kim, it’s time to sit a couple plays out.

#6 A$AP & Kendall

The new IT couple of 2016. The hottest runway model in the world and her fasionista boy toy. So why “The Melting Pot?” Because what other restaurant is about to signify this relationship other than one where you spend the entire time sticking hot skewers into every type of fondue and acting like it’s a normal activity. This couple is going to be more fashion forward than Kanye and Kim and I never thought that was possible. Can’t you just envision them in turtle necks while leaning over the table and licking the fondue of each other’s skewers (get your mind out of the gutter.) They’re going to be annoying AF. Both of you, move to Paris already. But before you do A$AP, tell me how you copped the sweater that the bad guy wore in Dennis the Menace.

#5 Kanye & Kim

The most overexposed couple and overrated chain in the country. Don’t get me wrong, Benihana is good, but saying it’s good is a lot like saying Kanye is a good artist or Kim is a good…..i don’t even know. The point is that both are so played out that it’s exhausting to even bring their name’s up, and I won’t waste my time here.

#4 Swizz & Alicia

Does it get more boring than Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz? Or more lame than P.F. Changs? All three parties peaked at their respective skills in the early to mid 00s. Now, there is at least ten hip-hop producers you would get before Swizz; Alicia is behind a long list of hot female RnB singers; And Momofuku took the throne from Changs as the most hip, Asian restaurant chain in the country. In 2016 if you say you’re going to eat at P.F. Changs, people give you a look like you just told them that you voluntarily are choosing to play laser tag.

#3 Will & Jada

Will and Jada have been going strong since 1994. Think about how long that is. In 1994 the internet was some creepy cult-like simulation that people were scared to go on in fear of getting their identity stolen. To put into context how stupid that fear was, computers looked like this. No one’s stealing your identity by using what looks like a fucking toaster oven strapped to a slab of plastic.

Anyway, like Will and Jada, Ruth’s Chris is on its own level. It is currently the largest luxury steakhouse company in number of locations, operating income, and overall profit, larger than The Palm and Morton’s; It’s transcendence, like Will and Jada, speaks for itself considering Ruth’s started the trend of chain restaurant, up-scale fine dining in the 1960s, like Will and Jada created the respectability and classiness standards for a hip-hop power couple. Match made in heaven.

#2 Jay-Z & Beyonce

Despite the longevity of Ruth’s Chris, Morton’s has been considered, for quite some time, the Best Chain steakhouse in the world. Likewise, Jay & Bey have been the face of the prototypical ‘hip-hop power couple’ for years. They breathe the rarefied air that their inferior peers will never reach. The only reason that they aren’t #1 is because are both past their respective primes. Although with longevity comes power, it has to be taken into account that the number one couple is peaking at the exact same time in their careers.

#1 Drake & Riri

The best part about this is we don’t even know if they’re “official,” OFFICIAL. But for all intents and purposes it seems that they are. Like they’re restaurant counterpart that opened in the 90s, they have slowly gained steam, reaching their peak in the process. More exclusive and classier than Kimye, while more mysterious and low-key than Jay/Yonce. The hip-hop power couple and restaurant counterpart can only go to Aubrey “Drake” Graham and Robyn “Rihanna” Fenty. Don’t act like you can’t see Drake’s corny ass taking her to the corner booth of the dimly lit, Capital Grille while whispering in her ear, “Look…I don’t know how to talk to you. I don’t know how to ask you if you’re okay. My friends always feel the need to tell me things. Seems like they’re just happier than us these days. Yeah, these days I don’t know how to talk to you
I don’t know how to be there when you need me…”