Childhood Memories

What parents do or not do have lifelong impacts on children.

My real first memory was when I was four. I was living above a pool hall in a old cramped dank apartment with my mother and the person who my mother said was my dad.

On a normal morning, I would go to the kitchen pantry cabinet and grab the Cheerios and pour them in to a bowl. However, along with the Cheerios; a couple dozen cockroaches tumbled into my cereal bowl as well.

Next thing I remember is a drunk man (my dad again) throwing a heavy old-school pink princess rotary dial telephone at my mother. I don’t think it hit her, but it made a loud noise that I can still hear in my head from time to time. It’s either that or tinnitus.

My mother had an attraction to alcoholics, I think she felt they were more easily manipulated.

On the last day of school just before Christmas school vacation of 1971, a strange woman came and pulled me out of school and said I was going to something called a “foster home”. I was 11.
When I had no idea what was going on and the foster family where I was placed was of Hispanic origins and barely spoke English. They were nice, but it was a difficult time. After that Christmas school break was finished I went back to live with my mother.

On the last day of school just before summer vacation of 1972, yet another strange woman came and pulled me out of school and said I was going to another foster home. I was 12. This white family was very nice as well and spoke better English.

After that Summer vacation was finished I went back to live with my mother.

This repetition happened one more time in the summer of 1973. By this time I knew the drill and was expecting it. This time I went to live with a black family for about 6 weeks. After that, I went to live with my alcoholic father.
I never saw my mother again until I was about 18. I never much cared for her after the foster home business.

About 15 years ago I had an epiphany, it was that I finally realized my mother didn’t want me around during those Christmas and Summer vacations.

As an adult, I have obtained my Bachelors and Masters degrees and have a great jobs as a software engineer, but those childhood memories are always there in the back of my head. Nagging me. The decades-old echos are saying that I’m worthless and stupid. I know that is not true, but they are still there.
To borrow a phrase from a movie; they are “like a splinter in your mind”.