This week’s lies

Told a neighbour i was extremely sorry that his schnauzer died; i exaggerated the number of hours i lay awake with guilt on Saturday morning by 50%; when the doctor asked how much i weighed, i wildly underestimated but i did it in pounds rather than stones or kilos so that she wouldn’t notice. (I then pretty much made her weigh me anyway so i suppose scratch this one?)

It wasn’t me who was sick in the bathroom; i had to write a listicle for a car insurance company; there’s this story in a Leni Riefenstahl biography about how Himmler or whoever tried to set her up with Hitler by organising a dinner party at her house, but Hitler wasn’t into it and spent the evening looking through Riefenstahl’s record collection instead.

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