The Buzz is Real

Your journey must always begin somewhere.

Hmmm… where to start. It’s difficult to know where this story is going. Difficult because, there is so much abuzz in my head, so much noise, that it’s seemingly impossible to start somewhere. So I’m just going to start rambling, randomly.

I turned 30 this year. I’m mostly unhappy. I’m a technical lead at a great software company. I struggle to concentrate at work. I want to start training in the gym again. I want to develop a product I think may benefit people. I’ve been too lazy and tired to work on said product. I want to get out and explore the city I live in. I want to see old friends. Too lazy and depressed to see said friends. I think I have a sex addiction. I have tons of debt I need to pay off. I eat too many take-aways. I want to start a blog or vlog detailing how exactly I’m going to accomplish the aforementioned things.

I think that’s it.

Well, at least this post is the very beginning of that last point.

It may not seem like a lot to accomplish. I mean, for most healthy people, this looks like just a normal, daily routine. But for me, I feel, it’s going to take the world to accomplish. Mainly because, after being off anti-depressants for so long, I think that I may be depressed again. That feeling of overburden, of lethargy, of hopelessness. It’s back. I’ve tried to think positively, I’ve tried to stay positive. I’ve even started doing a few of these things I’ve mentioned — as sporadic as they might be — until of course, I stop again after a few tries. Of course, depression is not just a state of mind, so I’ll need to take a little trip to the doctor to get myself sorted out.

To cope with the above mentioned goals, I’ve decided to stay away from social media for a while. I’m going to deactivate my Facebook and Instagram accounts because I find that they distract me more than they help my state of wellbeing. Looking at all the people’s happy lives, all the people that have got their shit together (seemingly), just makes me sad. I want to be them. I want to have my shit together. I think this will be a good first step, allowing me to rest my (hopefully) more focused gaze on what’s important to me.

Another thing I mentioned that might help, is writing or vlogging. The writing is actually meant for myself — but here I am breaking that little rule. Who knows, someone else might be struggling with something similar, and if I manage to get myself out of this big rut, perhaps I’ll do some good along the way.

The vlogging… I’m still deciding on. It’s a way to detail my progress in the gym, when I’m eventually consistent again. If it picks up, I might just start a YouTube channel or something. But for now, I’ll stick to writing.

Okay, so. I’ve deactivated my Facebook account. I’ve deactivated my Instagram account. I’ve deleted all the porn on my phone.

Wish me luck.