The Cynic’s Preview To The 2017 Indianapolis Colts Training Camp
Players report on July 29th, and the Colts seemingly don’t want you or any other fan to care one iota.
For the first time since they arrived in Indiana in 1984 — Mayflower trucks, snowy night, drunken owner, you know the story — the Indianapolis Colts will NOT hold their annual summer training camp in either Terre Haute or Anderson. Instead, they’ll have their summer practices in downtown Indianapolis at the Indiana Farm Bureau Center, with the team staying in a nearby hotel.
With training camp happening downtown this year, the majority of practices are CLOSED to the public. Yes, closed. If you’re a Colts fan, that throbbing, swollen feeling you are experiencing is a door that’s just been slammed in your lovely, blue-white painted face, and as you huddle to contain the blood oozing from your nose, Colts owner Jim Irsay runs up behind you and smashes one of his vintage guitars into your testicles.
When held in Terre Haute or Anderson, daytime and night-time practices were a major community event for fans. They were easily accessible, had decent parking, and planned events for children and adults alike. They connected the players and the coaches with low income, or middle income, people without the means and/or time to attend games during the season at the old Hoosier Dome or, later, Lucas Oil Stadium. It was smart, easy, cheap P.R. for an NFL franchise that, quite frankly, has always struggled to connect with its fans.
There are just two offsite practice venues that people can attend this year. One is at Lucas Oil Stadium on Sunday, July 30th, and the other is at a local high school on Saturday, August 5th. Everything else is off limits.
Even in the paranoid days of now-Hall of Fame general manager Bill Polian running the Colts organization, they never pulled this sort of closed door shit.
There seems little reason or logic for Irsay to close his team off from the public in this way, especially since the they’ve lost season ticket holders in recent years and are struggling to win back a fanbase that’s had to endure two back-to-back seasons of mediocre-at-best football. They’ve also had to live through five seasons of former general manager Ryan Grigson and still-current head coach Chuck Pagano invent new ways to showcase the human race as the dumb, gibbering, slobbering mass of hairless monkeys we truly are.
It’s enough to turn anyone into a cold, dry cynic.
If you’re here reading this, it likely means that you too are looking at this 2017 Indianapolis Colts team and are asking yourself, What the fuck is bullshit? Come with me on a journey as we explore the Colts roster and what to expect of it on the eve of their 2017 training camp.
A training camp they don’t want you to care about, get excited for, or attend… because you can’t.

What To Expect
No Andrew Luck
Aside from the before-mentioned door-slam-blood-Irsay-guitar-balls reference, you should expect to see quarterback Andrew Luck start camp on the physically unable to perform list, or PUP. This means no practices for Luck as he continues to mend from shoulder surgery in January.
A rumor spread online and on Twitter last week that Luck was struggling to rehab from the surgery and that he was seeking a second opinion on the shoulder. Simply put, this rumor is a fart turd. It likely started because fans misheard local Indianapolis radio personality Jon Michael “JMV” Vincent on station 1070 The Fan discuss the timeline for Luck’s recovery.
Luck is now in his sixth month post-surgery. He still cannot throw. Cannot receive contact. Cannot get under center and pat another man’s ass. The process for this recovery is normal, and nothing to freak out about.
Now, if you want to freak out about Luck missing all of the team’s OTAs, virtually all of training camp, and will likely not play much (if at all) in preseason, then sure. Freak right the fuck out. You should expect Luck to exfoliate rust to start the season while he’s relearning to throw with a surgically repaired shoulder.
I’m sure there are some out there who, for reasons only they and their therapist know, will use the absence of Luck to justify the Colts shutting off their training camp practices from fans. For these mindless zombies that roam your nearest outlet mall wearing a Bob Sanders Jersey from 2005 and a “Make America Great Again” hat, I’ll remind them that I was present at Colts training camp in 2008 when then-quarterback Peyton Manning was recovering from knee surgery. There were still crowds of fans who showed up to Terre Haute that year, and these people were — I’m not kidding you — actually EXCITED to see if quarterback Jared Lorenzen would make the team as Manning’s backup. Fans also showed up to camp in 2011, when Manning’s neck was fused and the prospect of his career ending at age 35 was very much an option.
My point here is the absence of Andrew Luck from camp and preseason should be expected, but that’s obviously not the reason why the Colts don’t want you watching them at camp this July and August.

The Offensive Line Will Continue to Struggle
Since 2012, I’ve heard the same droning nonsense from fans on Twitter, like a Smiths album looped for eternity in Hell: “This year, the offensive line will finally get good!”
No, it won’t.
After the predictable backlash vomited back at me by fans who are the internet version of wild-eyed maniacs ready to burn a virgin alive in a Wicker Man, I ask the simple question: What’s different?
What’s different about this offensive line from last seasons group?
The projected starting five are the same offensive line from 2016 that rewarded Andrew Luck with an offseason of shoulder surgery and rehab. It’s THE SAME DUDES who allowed 128 quarterback hits on Luck and backup quarterback Scott Tolzien in 2016. Those 128 hits are second only to the Cleveland Browns, who led the league with 140!
The team addressed this glaring roster sinkhole by doing nothing over the offseason. Aside from second-year center Ryan Kelly, there isn’t much to work with. Left tackle Anthony Castonzo isn’t effective, and he’s overpaid for his production. Jack Mewhort is a good left guard, but guards are the NFL equivalent of Juicy Fruit. Chew’m up, spit’m out, find a new pack at your nearest 7-11. Offensive lines are built around the tackles and center, and right now only the center is worth a good goddamn.
On the right side, second year tackle Le’Raven Clark is expected to compete for the starting job, while the right guard position might be third-year player Denzelle Goode or recent Tennessee Titans castoff Brian Schwenke, who the Colts signed as a free agent this offseason for 1-year with only $300,000 in guaranteed money. Clark and Goode are holdovers from last season’s 128 QB hits bunch, and to say they stunk in 2016 would be an insult to skunks with a glandular condition. Schwenke offers some promise of change and/or improvement, but when he’s only on the roster for $300K, that tells you what the team truly feels about his overall talent.
I’m sure the zombies will moan the tired and hoarse All they need is time to work together to improve line, which was chanted ritualistically last season despite them watching their franchise quarterback routinely get killed each Sunday. Andrew Luck missed a game last season because of a concussion, and the mouth-breathers STILL talked about how the oline just needed some continuity. At the end of the day, offensive lines get better when talented offensive linemen are on the roster. The starting group right now simply isn’t that good, and if a key injury were to befall them, there isn’t much behind else on the roster that inspires confidence.

Something Interesting On Defense
All right, you’ve lasted this long, and while this is a cynical view of a clearly cynical team that simply doesn’t care whether their fans connect with them or not, I do owe you a glimmer of hope. Because things can’t all be doom and gloom.
The one interesting area of this roster in 2017 is the defense. It’s brand new. Only cornerback Vontae Davis and defensive end Henry Anderson are expected to return as starters. The rest is up in the air… and that’s exciting.
Since he arrived from Baltimore with an over-inflated reputation as a defensive guru, Chuck Pagano’s defenses have been as bad or worse than anything in the franchise’s 32-year history in Indianapolis. Last season, Pagano’s defense was 30th in total yards allowed, 22nd in points against, 27th in passing defense, 25th in run defense, and 26th in turnovers.
THIS was the defense Pagano gave Colts fans after he fired his old coordinator Greg Manusky, promised change with the defensive system, and replaced Manusky with Tom Monachino; an unproven, unprepared coach from Pagano’s old stomping ground in Baltimore whose idea of innovation is to rush 4, play a flowery mix or man and zone, and pray to Jesus they hold the opponent to under 24 points-per-game.
This season, Pagano seems to have been told by someone that his system stinks on ice. Maybe it was Irsay. Maybe it was new general manager Chris Ballard, who I was told by a source back in January wanted to fire Pagano and replace him with current Kansas City Chiefs special teams coach Dave Toub. Irsay said no, but promised Ballard he could evaluate Pagano this season and move on from him in 2018, if Ballard so desired. Whoever it was, the message to Pagano this year is clear: Make your shitty system simpler so that new players can actually DO something within it.
The changes for the defense in 2017 aren’t just with scheme. Chris Ballard spent a majority of the offseason watching tape of Pagano’s previous defenses, vomiting into a paper bag, and then frantically refreshing the waiver wire page so that he could sign someone, ANYONE, who could maybe tackle, cover, and/or rush the passer. Ballard also spent a healthy percentage of his priority picks in the NFL Draft on defensive talent.
The additions worth mentioning are free agents Jabaal Sheard (OLB), John Simon (OLB), Jon Bostic (ILB), Sean Spence (ILB), and Jonathan Hankins (DT). There’s also first round pick Malik Hooker (S), second round pick Quincy Wilson (CB), and third round pick Tarell Basham (DE-OLB).
Nearly the entire defensive front seven is comprised of free agents, and the secondary is a mish-mash of young talent and Vontae Davis… an overpaid, overrated corner that fans still think was worth an average of $10 mill a season despite him have a grand total of 9 INTs over three seasons since signing a 4-year, $36 million dollar contract in 2014.
Despite the bucket of bile I just dumped on Vontae Davis and his fans, there is something about this defense that warrants interest. Ballard did something that any logical, seemingly intelligent person would do if they took a look at the 2016 defensive talent: He blew it up and started over. He brought in players who fit real needs, and Ballard did so on the cheap. Many of the veterans signed are for short, cap-friendly deals.
These new players brought in via free agency are simply warm bodies to get the team through 2017 while Ballard rebuilds the defense via the draft.
If some players showcase big play ability that’s worth building around, then good for them. Ballard could lock them up long-term. Of the group, Sheard and Basham interest me the most. Pass rush is the equalizer with any defense, and Sheard showcased some good ability for the Patriots the last two seasons, earning 5 sacks on 2016 and 8 in 2015.
For the secondary, it’ll be a mixed bag. But, that’s OK. There’s at least an attempt to rectify the problem, unlike, say, the effort given to fix the offensive line. Hooker will get all the attention because he’s a first rounder, and he’ll be expected to contribute immediately despite recovering from a torn labrum and hernia last season. Wilson will struggle. Maybe a player like veteran Rashaan Melvin will contribute. Who knows. The point is that there’s some talent here, and only tossing that talent out there in real games will allow it to blossom.

Fantasy Shit You Should Care About
You should know by now that training camp preview articles serve only one purpose. The same purpose the NFL itself serves now.
GAMBLING!

Yes, it’s gambling that makes the footballs fly in the modern NFL. For recent examples, look no further than Raiders owner Mark Davis flashing his gnarled, uncircumcised dick to the loyal fans in Oakland this offseason by announcing the franchise’s eventual move to Las Vegas, NV.
I know some of you pricks are reading this to gleam whatever fantasy football knowledge you think I have about the 2017 Colts. For you soulless parasites that live only to host fantasy PPR parties in early August and con you’re wife’s co-worker out of a $250 yearly entrance fee into your league, I give you these golden nuggets. Also, fuck you for making me like fantasy football.
Quarterback: Andrew Luck will be rusty to start the season, which will include a home game against the Cardinals in Week 2 and an away game against the Seahawks in Week 4. By the end of the first 4 games, Luck should settle down. Assuming, of course, his offensive line doesn’t get him killed again. Indy’s schedule is pretty light over the first 8 games, with a game on the road Week One against the Los Angeles Rams, a home game Week 3 against the Browns, and another game at home Week 5 against the 49ers. If you’re taking Luck early, make sure you have a good backup that can carry you through the first month of the season.
Running Backs: Frank Gore will continue to carry the load, and the team likes Robert Turbin as a back-up. Rookie Marlon Mack has big-play speed and might be worth a late round pick-up. He did have fumble problems in college.
Wide Receivers: TY Hilton and Donte Moncrief will continue to benefit from coordinator Rob Chudzinski’s offensive system. The team is high on Kamar Aiken, and not jazzed about third-year, former 2015 first round bust Phillip Dorsett.
Tight Ends: Jack Doyle is the primary tight end now that Dwayne Allen is gone. Doyle is solid. Nothing great, but nothing bad. People will overvalue him because he had 5 TDs in 2016, and, now that it’s basically just him at the tight end position, that production will increase considering how Chudzinski’s system favors tight ends. Maybe a late round grab, but don’t take him unless you’re desperate for a TE. Fans will gush about former basketball player Erik Swoope because they think he’s the next Marcus Pollard. Maybe take him late and stash him until you see with your own two eyes if Swoope can produce when given the opportunity.
Final Thoughts As We Prepare For Training Camp
If you follow me on Twitter — and, chances are, if you’re reading this you do — you know I’ve said that the 2017 Indianapolis Colts are a team in full rebuild. Outside of their quarterback, they have a roster full of question marks. 2017 is about deciding who stays and who goes in 2018. It’s about hitting the refresh button yet again for a franchise that has struggled to find its identity since Jim Irsay jettisoned Peyton Manning and Bill Polian in 2012.
And since training camp is VERBOTEN!!! for fans this year, the Colts will miss a golden opportunity to reconnect with people who truly want to know if their favorite team will get better in 2017 or if it will continue to drift in the kiddie pool of NFL franchises.
That’s a shame.
But, fear not. Stupidity and reckless thinking are staples of the Colts in recent years, and the best way to cope with such things is with dick jokes and a healthy dose of cynical wit. Hopefully, I’ll provide one or both to you this season, along with an occasional insult aimed at your lovely mother.
Follow Brad Wells on Twitter at @BradWellsNFL. Brad lives in Canada with his lovely wife and cat.
