A Month & A Day, My God How I Miss You

Yesterday marked a month since my dad passed and it all still feels so weird. I’m still in denial and anger….and I don’t know how long I’ll be in this stage. It seems I’ve stayed in denial and anger about my most recent loses in general.

When my cousin Joey was diagnosed with stomach cancer I helped take care of him while he was in hospice at the hospital. I stayed some nights, was there for hours every day.

When I first arrived I told him I was sorry for not always staying in touch, for not always going to see him when I was in town. I never thought he would die of cancer at 46 and so I assumed he would be around for years. He said to me that it was okay and he understood, our lives are busy and my trips home are short.

After the traumatic experience I went through with him I went to grief counseling for 6 months. It helped considerably and I felt like I was actually getting to acceptance.

I had found acceptance and was finally crawling out of my grief hole. I was listening to music again and dancing. I wasn’t snippy or cross anymore. I applied what my counselor taught me to the numerous deaths I experienced before Joey. Then my aunts cancer relapsed, then she died. And then 2 months later an uncle died. Then my dad another 2 months later……

Needless to say I almost feel like I’ve gotten so used to feeling this way that it’s become my norm, which is not a good place to be.

There are moments where I experience a stinging reminder my dad is gone. When I look at my phone and see the picture of me and my dad I get mixed emotions. It makes me remember which is good and bad. I want to be able to call him and I can’t. I haven’t deleted his phone number or taken him out of my favorites on my iPhone. Hell I still haven’t done that with Joey and it’s been a year and a half.

Having moved away from home at 20 I got used to not having family around. It never got easy but I got used to it. And now I fear I’m just used to death. Death terrifies me still, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to cease to exist. I am so scared of that last breathe I’ll eventually take. What will that feel like? Will o feel panic or joy?

I don’t believe in Heaven and that I’ll see my friends and family again so in my mind when we die, we just go back to the universe. I wish I believed in Heaven though right now since I want to see my dad one more time so badly.

My father was an amazing man and an even better father. He was always there for me, no matter what. He was tough and went through a lot in his life but never lost his positive spirit. I inherited that from him thankfully. I’m positive still in my grief which is good right?

I miss you dad…..and wish I could see you one last time.