Bullsh** Bartenders Over Hear! Make it STOP.
The notion that is unacceptable to be yourself, but acceptable to be judgmental needs to stop.
In my experience as a bartender, I have had the opportunity to see into so many lives — old and young. I’ve encountered widows, transgenders, lesbians, gays, straights, whites, blacks, etc. etc. Every encounter (for the most part) has been a learning experience or at least informative in some aspect. I get to learn about so many different lives lived and so many dreams that I really hope got pursued. As a bartender, I feel as if I get the opportunity to provide cheap therapeutic help for somebody who just needs a minute to talk and not be charged hourly.
I have encountered a diverse selection of people with a diverse selection of problems or concerns. I’ve been yelled at until I cried, degraded and demeaned by people who only met me within that hour and I’ve given it all to be told I wasn’t worth the tip, but I would not take back my experience because it has taught me the most important thing in life — how important it really is to be kind and listen. Bad experiences aside — I’ve had a million experiences that have given me the very reason to write.
In the world we live in today, there is so much hate and violence. It really breaks my heart to see all the pain surrounding me and to feel so helpless in the cause. The worst feeling ever however, would be when that hate is spewed right in front of me like I should be okay with it or even in agreement. As if it is completely normal to put down another person, a person you do not know, simply because you have nothing better to do. There is never any real purpose for the hateful comments, but for the sake of keeping my job so I can pay for college I bite my lip. At what point is it okay for me to break?
Just the other day a man at my bar said “I didn’t realize this was a gay bar”. Excuse me? Mind you, I work at a family restaurant with a bar. His comment made absolutely no sense and was only an ignorant comment aimed at a gay co-worker of mine, not even a customer! Everyone is welcome, maybe except this man’s low-minded self-absorbed hateful self. And to my dismay, this is not the only time I’ve heard such comments.
Another time I was cleaning a pile of glasses, when a customer leans over and says, “Good luck with them. You’ll be lucky if you get a tip.” Biting my lip until I can feel the pulse of blood threaten to break through, I turn around to find a nice elderly black couple sitting at my bar. Would you like to hear the irony in his disgraceful statement? The white man who said it, tipped less than that black couple and was much less polite. Why discriminate that couple simply because of the color of their skin? What was the purpose of such an unpleasant remark with no desired purpose? He was not concerned about me not acquiring enough money for college; No, he simply wanted to devalue people he never met because it made him feel superior. Why is it so acceptable to be so shameful?
There was a man who would come into the bar once a month, wearing a beautiful shiny dress and heals, incredibly paired with a brunette high-lighted wig with flawless curls. I asked him about life and he told me he has three children and a wife at home. He said he would go out once a month, far from home for fear of running into anyone who might cause his family any problems or embarrassment. His wife and kids knew and accepted him none the less. This pulled at my heart in such a beautiful way considering I had encountered a transgender prior to that (at least a year or so before) who looked manly and did manly things to convince himself he didn’t want to be a girl. All because his wife did not approve and he loved her so much. He came in so many times to vent (which I didn’t mind the least bit) to ask for advice and to just let it out. Because sometimes, it’s nice to just get it off your chest even if there isn’t anything that can be done about it immediately.
Nonetheless, there’s always someone who has something to say. As this father and husband takes the night for himself to be who he truly is, going out of his way to make sure it doesn’t negatively affect his family, a guy and girl comments to me, “Are you serious? Is that a fucking guy?” They continued to giggle and make jokes as I once again bite my lip with fury and walk away. It breaks my heart that I cannot erase all these hateful and childish thoughts that people find admissible to share.
Another judgmental mind decides to share their degrading thoughts when a family walks in to sit at a table. Their clothing tore in ways and the children in hand-me-downs. The server informed me that it was the little girls birthday and our establishment was her all time favorite. The mom had saved up the money to take the family out for dinner, which they hadn’t done in years due to job-loss and other obstacles in their life. They minded their own business, simply fulfilling their child’s birthday wish, when one of my customers laughs and says to me, “There should be a sign preventing white trash from coming in here. It seriously disparages the overall experience of your restaurant.” I just want yell “HOW IS THEIR PRESENCE AFFECTING YOURS?” Why is it so easy to be hurtful?
In another case, I was serving a cop (off duty, in normal going-out-with-your-wife clothing) and his wife, who were on a date and she told of her fears for him and his job. Understandable, considering present day “War against the Blue” affiliations. When they gathered their things and said their farewells, I overheard a man telling the girl he was with, “That pigs just as crooked as the rest of them.” REALLY? This man you know nothing about, except a couple fears from his wife and you instantly know him to a T? You know his whole life down to the fact that he is crooked, despite never speaking to him or even glimpsing him in uniform?
Over the years, so many things have progressed, but somehow I find us years behind in some cases. I still run into conversations where woman are being unfairly treated in respect to their male coworker. I see and hear people openly insult and criticize another human being for being different. I once had a woman who would come to see me at least once a week, just to have a couple glasses of wine and a good chat. A man hit on her and she says she wasn’t looking to find someone; she was just there to hang out. Do you know what this (pardon my french) asshole said?
“A woman wouldn’t go have a drink alone if she wasn’t seeking attention from men.” My jaw literally dropped to the floor. Since when is it okay to just word-vomit such feeble-minded nonsense?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy my job immensely. I’ve realized that as a bartender, I have the opportunity to not just serve drinks, but to get to know a manifold of individuals with a high range in personalities, beliefs and dreams. It is such an incredible feeling to feel like you’ve been so many places by simply listening to the stories of people who have seen and been around the world.
Although it’s tremendously unsettling to be faced with such homophobic, sexist, racist and down right despicable remarks, I find myself blessed for running into these people because it reminds me of just how important is to give a kind smile and engage in pleasant conversations. Today so many people are judged and treated unfairly, so it’s important to keep in mind how impacting it could be to bring a smile to someone you do not know’s face. Be the person who aspires to make a change for the better, not the person who is trapped in past stereotypical, outdated antipathy for human lives that deserve equality and respect.