Typed this a while ago; check it out:

I feel remorse creeping through the body that I hold deeply close to my mind. I’m out of options to seek replacement because the time that I have acquired, though transformative, has left me in shambles of solid, never changing, abundant matter. It’s a problem I have come to accept and that I have come to label as the plan. We are all in a grand design of nature. The fact that we are human is not simply chance. It is the truth that will set us without limit and it shall not cause fault. In the plan God has bestowed upon us, we get a chance to make choices which alter the path, but only wind up with the same result that was originally intended by our Lord almighty. The greatest gift that we could receive, but the only one that we never ask for is the gift of being born. To get a chance to produce love and wind up at the end of the minuscule number of years we have on Earth to heaven is simply miraculous. With so much to do and so little time, there simply aren’t enough hours to do it all, so we must develop a passion for what we find early on and craft that honed pattern into a razor sharp, double-bladed sword. With God as our shield, we can fight in battle and attain victory in the times where we have retired from our legend in the days of grey. As hair grows and skin sheds, we are granted access to the clock. The idea behind time is almost cruel because it sets an overall limit to our lives. In a world where time is not a concept, we would have no perception of a beginning or end and therefore get an eternity before an infinity. With that ideal life in mind, having time gives us more time because we won’t take as much time to get things done, knowing that we have a limit makes us more productive. Like the double edged sword, there are two sides to it all. It’s a grand masterpiece. The journey of our roads will cross, split, merge, intersect and so much more… Today is a word that I find to be quite riveting. No matter when it has, or will, happen, there is always going to be a today, and it will always be different. Things like repetitive jobs might seem similar, but it is impossible to live a day exactly the same as the today before or after it. Thoughts don’t line up in sync, though some may be repeated. Just like each of the 7.125 billion people on this planet are all uniquely crafted by the art of God, each day in time is a snow flake, gently falling from the sky, landing, then ending in due time. In real reality, human life is but a dream. It may seem very long, but it goes by in a few seconds, just like the ones we have when we as humans sleep. I wonder if there will be a review of each life that has ever been lived in Heaven. I hope so because I would love to learn all of the information that I can get about the lives I interacted with and the ones that stood out in variations of importance and subject.

I’m ready for school. My TV has been unplugged and I have been reading vast amounts of information online. From the news, to articles on random opinion, so much more information has been attained in so much less time than what I could get from watching Netflix. It’s hard to quit something cold turkey, we all attain habits through our lives and to change them is not comforting, but a life without alteration is not an interesting enough journey for the soles of my shoes. Like all habits or addictions I have come across and ended, the urge to do them again only comes when an activity that you did along with that habit comes around. Start with TV, for example. I am completely fine during the day just reading and living, listening to music and such, but when I prepare myself a meal, I get a very strong urge to plop on the recliner, with plate in lap, and shoot to kill some time on my instant queue. A similar example would be when I quit vaping electronic cigarettes. I always took 2 or 3 hits in the bathroom throughout my shifts at my place of employ and as soon as I got off, I would chain vape in my car on the way home. As I quit I found it most complicating to pass the test of not smoking after my shift. That is when the urge kicked in the hardest. It takes time, but eventually these habitual urges fade and positive things come from it mostly. (I think that’s because the habits you try to overcome and get rid of are usually negative ones.) Would you say that you have a habit that you can’t quite kick? It takes willpower my friend. Willpower and time. But the main ingredient behind the action of leaving a habit behind is the reason. If you do not, for example, try to quit smoking without a reason of why you feel the need to, it is much less likely to happen. I don’t have anything but my own experience to back up the fact I have just presented upon you.

I have an addictive personality. It’s hard for me to do something once and not do it again if I enjoy it. For example, on nights where I enjoy a nice buzz from a few beers, the next night I feel a strong urge to tipsy myself up again. It’s a struggle that I try to cope with, and I find that prayer for the right choice from the God that resides in my mind is a nice crutch to lean on when I can’t find any other way to pass on the liquor. I don’t know why that is. I believe truly that it is one of the only things about me that I would like to change. I believe when I was smoking dope that my addictive persona was the reason that I did it so often. I have recently read that addiction may not even be a disease, but simply a habit. There are many diseases that do not have medication, and addiction is one of them. That is one of the main reasons why doctors and universities are starting to believe that addiction is simply a state of mind. I find it hard to believe, but at the same time a little revealing. When I quit cigarettes and vaping, I had night sweats for the first 2 nights. That has to come from chemicals in your brain changing, right? I mean… wouldn’t that stand for defining a disease. I’m no doctor, so I would be inclined to find out the information on those studies from my brother or sister, as they have chosen a world of medical assistance as their line of life. Whereas I, myself, have chosen a line of duty that assists people in a lesser, but more fun for me, way.

Business. We all do it, we don’t always like it. I want to start my career with the mindset that I am going to make the people that work under me happy. I will go above and beyond in order to ensure that my employees are satisfied with the job that they chose. Sleep comes second to work in the time you use in your life. So it is very much so a lot! (That is to say, unless you work part time.) If I am fortunate enough to have a mood that leaves me smiling 98% of the time, I want to spread that smile and give it to others. Presence before presents, but if you can give both, why not go all in? Realism is key to the choice of my major in college. Having brain surgery has left me with the rationalization that I need a job with good health insurance. That is in order to maintain my medication for psychosis at a reasonable cost. Truth be told it’s acting that has stolen my heart and pumps my blood. The muscle of love that is in tune with the mind to create a soul for the ages. California… Oh what a prospect. The youth, the nightlife, the serene beauty, the dryness, the heat, the beach… Oh joy. Las Angeles. My dream of dreams. I hope to achieve sleep just so that I can reach out and enjoy that dream. But right now I am only getting tired, and I have a handful of years before I can hit the REM cycle to get to the destination of my mind’s desire. Please God, oh please Lord, let me find a suitable job with a decent mix of diverse personalities to enjoy and share a portion of my life with. 17 years of life is quite a chunk, and all of that dedicated to learning should leave everyone with a happy position for an even longer amount of time.

Retiring. Will I do it? Right now, I can’t imagine not working, but that’s probably because I’ve only been doing it since I was 18. Living vicariously and without the struggle of a budget under my beautiful mother and loving father blessed me with the freedom to be retired until my first place of employ. Oh to be grey and matured. It is a part of life that I look forward to because I will have already permanently settled in my final habit (woman, job, house, kids) of this world before Jesus accepts me into is father’s kingdom. I hope to get there and look back with only a lesser amount of regrets then things I wanted to do and acted out on. Yes to be wise and old is a dream of mine. To make it through life to the point where you are in an age of peace and solitude would be a miracle. Many people don’t get the opportunity to achieve that part of life due to dying of disease or manmade troubles. Though sad, it’s all in the plan. Please oh heavenly father allow me to achieve my dreams. Allow me to attain a position in employ that I can be proud of, and please father almighty, give me at least one shot at performing a role in a movie.

Acting, the gift of feeling and making others feel. Another two-sided sword if I do say so myself. It isn’t something that you can fake, although it is pretend. If you don’t have a genuine emotion to play the emotion written before you, then you will not give as strong a feeling to the person being entertained by your entertaining. Some people are simply born with a gift, but like any gift, there is more to it than just unwrapping it. You must read the instructions to set up the gift. The same concept applies in performing… You can be gifted, but if you don’t set up your gift then you will have nothing more than an expense that has no use. It’s hard to do it on your own because to do something for no reason is a little less rewarding. When you are working on lines to ultimately perform for others, there is an igniting of inspiration that entails a solid amount of time to put into play work. I myself, practice some old monologues (long pieces of lines delivered by characters rarely in plays without response) about 3 times a week. I am a little uninspired because I don’t have anything to work towards in the near future. I am years away from getting the chance to look for work in California. With the limit of Conway being the only local theater and the fact that they only do musicals, I have simply little desire. When Eric, my dearest brother, who is probably reading this, hey Eric, listened and coached me on the monologues I had, an interest sparked that I hadn’t had since high school. It was a pleasant feeling that I hold dear and respectfully to my heart because it probably isn’t very fun to listen to someone for 10 minutes repeating the same dialogue. Lord we are blessed in love. Immediately, routinely, and respectfully.

In my 23 years of perceiving this world (more like 18 years because the first 5 are mostly without logic) I have come to discover that if you are personable, friendly, and reasonable, you are at very high odds that you will not encounter someone negative. If you smile warmly, and speak with care, a person in a bad mood will be much more likely not to lash out at you. With the personality that I have developed and that God created and inspires, I have only been lashed out at a handful of times. More than I can count, yes, but compared to the number of interactions, so few that it’s almost unbelievable. I feel like I have been blessed with the gift of giving happiness. It’s something I don’t take for granted, and plan on using until it runs its course.

Views. They’re sites and site. We see a view because we see. It’s a complex mechanism that I can’t begin to understand. The gift of senses that we as humans have are so magnificent and perfect, that this can’t be anything but the design of a creator. People wish they had super powers, like I, myself, wish I could fly… but hey, we can walk, run, jump, speak, hear, think, smell, feel, so many things! They’re all super powers in their own ways. I mean truly think of a flower. It can grow, but it has no sense. It has no conscience. We are aware that we are alive and because of that we are able to experience a life’s amount of living.

The power of prayer can take you to places of life that you never would have thought possible before turning to God. It lead me to quitting smoking, taking caffeine pills, and following through taking my prescriptions. It lead me to working out again and maintaining a euphoric happiness. The gift of psychosis allows me a one on one dialogue with the Lord our savior. It gives me the urge to pray so that I can talk to him. I pray for myself a lot, but I do throw out some shouts for others that I feel deserve a little bit of praise. When I get mad at a party for leaving a small tip after working very hard, I ask God to change my emotion and he blesses me with a calming and transfers my state back to a level and hyper happiness. It’s a gift. It’s the only reason I don’t mind that brain surgery took me from getting a 4 star theatrical training in a very nice school. Worth every minute because if I went to college for acting, I would most likely be left serving tables to scrape by in LA with a basically worthless degree that a large population of aspiring performers have from all over the world, looking for that one role. I probably would never get a career that could support a family.

It’s nice to travel to a college away from home, yes. It gives you a preview of life after college when you are on your own by surrounding you with people your own age and living without the rules and guidance of your physical creators. It’s exciting! To say the least, it is like living in a city and having a job. Your population is collegiate and your job is college courses. I never had a dorm room, so I don’t know if I missed out on an experience, but I do know that having my own room with a lot of space is very comforting and allows me to not have to pick and choose the things that I would like to take with me to school. Being home just gives a sense of security. Either way there are pros and cons, just like with most choices in life.

Wrap up. Clocked this draft in an hour. I used random sentences and veered off topic numerous times, but isn’t that why they call if freeform writing? Love it, live it, leave it. The good life is attainable if you don’t already have it, but if you accept God into your heat, than no matter what is going on in life, it should be good. 2 more years and my brain will be fully developed. Wish I had quit TV sooner so I could spend more time learning, but 2 years is a long time to cram in and spew out knowledge.

Thanks for reading. ❤

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