How to succeed at failing
one man’s journey through ordinary living
What I do in my WHOLE Time
I sit at a plastic foldable table that has been reengineered to be a semi-workable desk. On the right side of my “desk” is a small cardboard box with a selection of books on writing, business and journalism. This side is cluttered with coffee mugs, notebooks and spare camera equipment. To the left sits one of my laptop’s on a stand next to its monitor. In front of the laptop is my second laptop, I mostly use it to play Batman Arkham City.
The highest percentage of my time is divided between these two laptops, an iPad, a Kindle and my phone. The majority of the day I tell myself that I’m doing meaningful research or finding the latest trends on how to create my freelance cinematography and design business.
But, let me be honest, the majority of my time is spent WASTING it! I watch youtube, Netflix, stalk long-lost friends and family members on Facebook. I try to find what's going on in the world by scanning Twitter until I realize that I’m just reading the headlines and really don’t have a clue what’s happening.
For the most part, I just do nothing.
Why?
I’ve been asking myself this question for months. It seems that once I finish watching an entire series on Netflix I feel like I can start my life again. And instead of doing just that, I push play on the next show or movie in my queue.
I could lump it all together and say that I’m lonely, or that I am far from family (except I have been away from my family since my early twenties), but really it is that I don’t know what to do.
I’m crippled by my own fears of rejection.
Every book I have read about introverted personalities hasn’t really helped me overcome this fear. I very much internally dislike being rejected. It devastates me.
So, do I hide on the internet and video games to escape my problems or do I just waste time because I’m a worthless slacker son-of-a-bitch?
Just two ends of a large spectrum that I have yet to figure out. My greatest wish was that this fear would just evaporate and allow me to make connections.
I am flawed but not a waste.
This was originally drafted spring of 2014.
