Hey, old friend, I see you’re doing well! Do you have a moment? I wanted to know if I could ask you something. It’s about the choices you’ve made.

Do you remember that moment when you chose to be born? I might be biased, but I think you made an excellent choice! You were wise beyond your years then!

You picked awesome parents too! How did you pull that off? They’re so loving and caring!

Kudos as well on choosing to be born without any physical deformities. Can you imagine how hard it would be to go through life without the full use and function of all of your body parts?

Congrats too, on choosing to survive childbirth and infancy. For some reason there are babies who actually choose NOT to survive. What the hell, right?

Anyways, I see you chose to be right handed. That’s another smart move, seeing as how most of the population is right handed. You would have had some minor issues if you would have chosen to be left handed. Good call again!

I suppose congratulations are in order as well for your choice of growing tall! You know they’ve conducted studies that show that taller people are the best leaders, so again, you’ve made an excellent decision. You’re on a roll!

I must say, that was a pretty ballsy though, choosing to have blonde hair! So, let me ask, do blondes really have more fun?

I see you chose to physically be a male. That’s another great choice, as you know women don’t get paid as much. Good career move!

I’m not sure how to say this without sounding racist, but it’s a good thing you chose to be white. I can’t even begin to describe all the issues you saved yourself by making that choice!

What other choices can you tell me about?

You chose the religion you would follow? Well, yeah, I mean I suppose it’s just coincidence that your parents and friends and relatives and neighbors and your community and most of the country you live in all follow the same religion. Either that or you’re all super smart at making choices!

How did you know which country to choose to be born in? Well, whatever the case, you picked the best one. U.S.A, U.S.A, U.S.A.

Wait, so you’re telling me, that you got to pick the neighborhood you wanted to live in AND the school you wanted to go too! Holy shit, dude! You really do have the best parents! They only want the best for their little angel.

Is this your wife? Oh, congratulations! I can see you chose to be straight! That’s another good choice. You really saved yourself from a lot of bullying and discrimination when you were growing up.

I can see your wife chose to be pretty! It makes me wonder how anyone could ever choose to be what magazine editors and TV producers decide is ugly! Weird people in this world, I tell ya.

Can I ask a personal question about her though? She didn’t ever choose to be raped, did she? You know, dress up in a manner that makes her feel good about herself and then go drinking with her girlfriends before some guy can’t control himself because she looks so hot. She’s never “asked for it” has she?

Oh, thank heavens. You have no idea the stigma that society places on rape victims. I’ve always found that ironic.

I have to say though, that sometimes life isn’t always about the things we choose to do, but about the things we choose NOT to do. So, tell me, what are some things that you chose not to do?

You chose NOT to get cancer! Man, don’t keep that to yourself. There’s a lot of people suffering! What’s your secret?

You chose not to be involved in any car accidents. That’s a big bonus as car wrecks kill a lot of citizens.

You chose not get murdered! That’s a huge plus right there. You probably would have been blamed for your own death if you had chosen otherwise. Oh wait, never mind, I forgot you chose to be a white male. You’re good.

You know, I feel so comfortable talking to you. It’s a good thing you didn’t choose to be mentally ill! Society would have stigmatized you and then made half-hearted and fleeting attempts to help you while simultaneously blaming you for your own predicament. You dodged a bullet there.

Finally, I have to ask. I’m little embarrassed so I’ll whisper so no one will hear us.

You chose not to be poor, right?

Oh, thank goodness gracious. Yeah, I know, right? Seems pretty obvious.

Who would ever choose to be poor?

Brandon Grooms is a writer and “fear” coach, helping people overcome the obstacles of fear that are holding them back. You can read more about his thoughts and tips on fear at conqueringmyfears.com or contact him at info@conqueringmyfears.com if you need help in conquering your own fears.